Bourbon Balls

I was not invited to this one…

I have a hard time with the cookie exchange thing. You’re famailiar with the premise, no? Each guest is to bring a dozen cookies per attendee, you swap your dozens for the others’ dozens and wind up with a fabulous assortment of holiday treats.

At least that’s the theory.

Am I a cookie snob? Maybe. Look, I’m all good with peanut butter blossoms, they’re not high-brow or gourmet, they’re just simple and classic. Clearly it’s not about perfection, I dig a headless gingerbread man just as much as a fully intact one.

Part of it, I’ll admit, is the idea of coming home with ten dozen cookies over which I had no control. It’s hard not knowing the exact ingredient keeping together that odd little green stack of cornflakes and what-have-you. If, when entertaining, I put out a plate of cookies, and someone asks me about a certain chocolate blob, what do I do? We’re all taking our lives in our own hands at that point.

Plus, there are no memories behind other people’s cookies. Even if my kids and I end up screaming at each other while we decorate cookies, we’re going to fondly remember how Joey freaked out because Jake’s didn’t have enough icing and how Megan put boobs on her gingerbread “person” and we’ll all eventually laugh at Matt’s frankenstein collection of zombie cookies.

Finally, no one at the exchange usually likes my cookies. That’s probably beacuse they don’t understand how integral a part Bourbon plays in my holiday traditions.

Bourbon Balls
3 cups ground Nilla Wafers
1 cup finely chopped walnuts
2 cups confectioners sugar
1/4 cup cocoa
1/4 cup corn syrup
1/2+++ cup Bourbon (Jimmy Beam is perfect)

Combine Nillas, walnuts, sugar and cocoa in a large bowl. Mix corn syrup and bourbon together in a separate small bowl, stir until syrup is dissolved. Add to dry mixture and mix until you get a thick, moist clump. Add more bourbon if needed, it’s good to keep the bottle close by. And also a glass with some ice and maybe a splash of sweet vermouth. And a touch of bitters. Between your palms, roll chunks of the dough into balls, then roll around in a bowl of granulated sugar (the balls, not you). Store in a tight container, hide somewhere where the kids can’t find them, and snack secretly for at least 2 months, it’ll help get you through February.