The daily digest of Twin Cities culture | Secrets of the City

I didn't even get my shorts down. With five buttons and a zip, it takes a reasonable 20 seconds for me to accomplish this. Within this time, two bartenders busted in to kick me out. OK, I might have been in the men's restroom. This was only because I waited approximately three to five minutes at the ladies' and made the logical conclusion that the woman in there was dead. I checked to make sure no one was inside the men's, and then made my move. Obviously, I'm not that slick.

A wide stance is key to surviving a Monotonix show. Keep your feet shoulder-width apart and your arms ready to brace the incessant shock waves of bodies crashing into you. Never lose focus of the strange looking man with a bad perm and pervy mustache. He is not a cast-off from a Starsky and Hutch fan club. He is the singer—a moving target who neglects social graces, like keeping his sweat to himself. The most important rule is to put as much distance