The Rake: Spazz Dad

A Lesson in Futility

Todd Smith — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 22:19:32 -0500

At the end of July, I will be trekking to Montana to write a story about a man who lives on top of a mountain in the most remote corner of Glacier National Park.

Since this dude literally lives on top of a mountain, I have to hike up hill for six straight miles (with an elevation gain of 3,000 feet) through grizzly bear infested wilderness just to talk to him. I’ve hired a professional Twin Cities photographer named John McCambridge to shoot the story.

The Idiots at My Work, Part II

Todd Smith — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 16:13:28 -0500

On the loading dock of my work, a truck driver named Tater takes a seat in the shade and fans his sweat soaked crotch with a celebrity gossip magazine. Under the broiling summer sun, the tubby trucker is quickly roasted like a luau pig; his fleshy face turns heart-attack red and his sleeveless t-shirt stinks to high heaven. As I unload pallets of topsoil off his truck with a forklift, we chit-chat and have a rather high-brow discussion about how awesome barbeque

A Knight for a Day

Todd Smith — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 20:24:47 -0500

Giving a sharp sword to a hyper-ass eight-year-old boy goes against all parental logic. But that's exactly what happened at the "Knight for a Day Camp," a place where kids are whole-heartedly encouraged to go completely medieval.

The Plague of Nerds

Todd Smith — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 01:42:21 -0500

In the last couple of years, the Twin Cities has gained a reputation as a hipster Mecca; the chic architecture (new Guthrie, Walker, and Central Library) has garnished international praise, the rocking music scene is hotter than ever with both indie and mainstream bands (Atmosphere on Conan! The Hold Steady opens for The Rolling Stones!), and a powerhouse literary scene has now become a screenwriting oil well thanks to Diablo Cody and the Cohen Bros and their shiny new Oscars. For crying out loud, Esquire Magazine even named Nye's Bar the Best Bar in America. The

Chop It Off

Todd Smith — Fri, 09 May 2008 20:41:24 -0500

My squat little body houses a record number of physical calamities. If you have read my latest published story, "Pharma Chameleon," (in the March issue of The Rake) you already know that I'm pretty much a bubble boy. My latest impediment is a Pterigium (kind of like a nasty veiny weed) on my right eye. As the weird red growth pushes on my pupil, the formerly blue eye is now always bloodshot and weeping. The Pterigium was caused from my over exposure to sunlight. For

Toddler Insurgency

Todd Smith — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 21:30:53 -0500

My son's birthday party began with me looking like a giant dumbass. Big shocker there. We were in the jubilant 11:15 a.m. Backyardigans parade at the newly remodeled Nick Jr. amusement park in the center of the Mall of America. I was holding the foamy oversized hand of a teenage actor who was dressed as a cuddly moose named Tyrone from the hit kid's cartoon. When the cheery music piped in I couldn't stop myself and decided to do a little jig. As my wife gave me the "you're sleeping on the couch" stare I spastically danced like I'd been hit with defibulator paddles.

The Idiots at My Work

Todd Smith — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 21:06:28 -0500

When I'm not at home taking care of my son, I work as a laborer at a Twin Cities garden center. Compared to a professional/corporate office job, things work a little differently in the manual labor world: at any given moment during my shift, I can announce to the entire crew that I have an impending bowel

The House Rules

Todd Smith — Sun, 06 Apr 2008 15:21:25 -0500

Inside our marriage, my wife has arranged a division of labor. She’s a (marital) union teamster when it comes to tasks that I can and cannot do. Specifically, there are jobs around the house that are “Daddy Jobs” and others that are “Mommy Jobs.” As the man of the Smith Family House, these are the roles I perform:

Chicken Bake Bonanza

Todd Smith — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 21:32:10 -0500

During a recent trip to Costco, a customer walked past me with 25 cases of Diet Coke in their wagon. Even by Costco standards that seemed a wee bit gluttonous. But who was I to judge? I was there to buy a pork loin the size of an anaconda. At the end of my shopping spree, my three year old son was cranky and hungry, and if I didn’t stop at the Costco food court to feed him I would’ve driven home down highway 100 with a god damn badger in the back seat.

The Wi-Fi Doofus

Todd Smith — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 22:04:58 -0500

When it come to computers, I'm a full blown idiot. As a stay-at-home dad, my day usually involves hooting like an orangutan and tending to my son's poopy pants—not exactly a George Clooney lifestyle. But when my ancient candy colored iMac recently barked and hissed at me when I tried to open a simple email, I realized the gigabytes had passed me by. It was finally time for me to leave the woods of domesticity and upgrade.