The Rake: Defenestrator

Will Minnesota Go Beyond Thunderdome?

Rich Goldsmith — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 18:26:29 -0500

Generally, "ations" are regarded as good things. Propagation, masturbation, fornication, copulation, lubrication - all activities mankind finds to be worthy efforts. However words containing this benevolent suffix are have recently been besmirched by the smear campaign being waged against one of their brethren. And with oil prices rising like Dirk Diggler's imposing lightsaber, the war against speculation threatens to drag some of America's

Happy Fun Friday: Catharsis Edition

Rich Goldsmith — Fri, 20 Jun 2008 08:39:35 -0500

Sometimes catharsis doesn't come easily.

Oil Wrestling

Rich Goldsmith — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 08:31:51 -0500

With consumers on the receiving end of an 87-octane enema for the last few months, it's understandable that various politicians would be spewing forth bile-filled diatribes laying blame for the current situation squarely at the feet of the opposition. Democrats are accused of being so "unmoved by the plight of hard-working Americans, they are unwilling to do anything to alleviate the pain." Republicans, of course, are "in the pockets of oil companies" and just trying to help their cronies reap a windfall at the

Keeping the Peace Means Communication and a Warm Taser

Rich Goldsmith — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 18:08:17 -0500

While terrorists plotting to obliterate the Xcel Center in a fertilizer-scented blast of hellfire would seem to be the larger cause for concern among the various agencies responsible for security around the RNC, the Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the Sacramento Intelligence unit, is bringing its "A" game. In other words, it's examining all threats, no matter how unlikely.

The Well-Lubricated Fall of the Middle Class

Rich Goldsmith — Mon, 09 Jun 2008 17:57:33 -0500

All praise be to the cyclopean gods of old for finally bringing the nigh interminable local and national Democratic nomination process to a close. For while sentences involving Andy Rooney, sodomy and bestiality, not to mention flag lapel pins and innuendo involving sniper fire,

Public Servants by Day, Dead Sexy by Night

Rich Goldsmith — Sat, 31 May 2008 23:47:13 -0500

While the Forbes recent “The 20 Hottest Royals in the World” list serves only as a dire warning of the horrific effects of inbreeding, now that the polls have closed on Minnesota’s first annual “Most Beautiful People at the Capitol” awards it’s safe to say that the state’s residents can rest easy in the knowledge that they have some

Tweak Locally, Think Globally

Rich Goldsmith — Wed, 28 May 2008 17:19:50 -0500

Green is the new watchword for consumer products and goods. We can track our carbon footprints, find out how many miles our food traveled to our plates, and make a point only to have toe-curling carnal gymnastics with Prius drivers — so why do we insist on persecuting those entrepreneurial souls trying to provide a local option to area

Get the #Q)*?!#$ Off My Lawn

Rich Goldsmith — Fri, 23 May 2008 15:33:57 -0500

On the well-manicured lawn that is the Democratic primary, there resides a two large groups of little old men shouting epithets at one another, screaming for "these kids" to get the fuck off their lawn.

Legislatin' Sexy

Rich Goldsmith — Mon, 19 May 2008 08:42:50 -0500

As the 2008 session draws to a close with no small amount of pomp and ceremony today, it is a time to reflect upon the marvel that is the modern democratic process. More particularly, it is a time to think about the countless hordes of people at the Capitol who toil every day to grease the cogs in the great machine that is our state government, their pleated khaki pants and skirts billowing softly in the gentle breeze coming in off the Mississippi. For it is not just the Sex

Pawlenty's Spandex-Clad Aspirations

Rich Goldsmith — Wed, 14 May 2008 13:02:53 -0500

Every hero needs a sidekick. Tombstone had Hammerhead, Batman had Robin, Thundarr the Barbarian had Princess Ariel and Ookla, and Paris Hilton had everyone. Repeatedly. Now, in the twilight years of his life, John McCain yearns for the same sort of comforting companionship that comes from a bosom buddy who can double as an effective lackey in a pinch. And while recommendations for this coveted position have streamed in from the furthest corners of the United States and beyond, some say

GOP BDSM

Rich Goldsmith — Thu, 08 May 2008 18:19:11 -0500

As the debate at the capitol starts to sound eerily Tyra-inspired, it's important to note that, according to The Defenestrator's highly-knowledgeable sources, had House and Senate leadership handled Pawlenty's veto of the Central Corridor differently, many of the problems the DFL caucus has with Tim Pawlenty's demands likely would have been non-issues. As

A Sesquicentennial in the Spring of Our Discontent

Rich Goldsmith — Tue, 06 May 2008 18:15:46 -0500

Older generations often talk wistfully of times past - an era when candy was a nickel and hookers cost but sixpence. And with Minnesota's sesquicentennial occurring this year, the temptation to romanticize is pushed even farther, with tales of subzero temperatures, white out conditions, and devouring small children to survive winter's lean times bandied about like so many empowering after-school special style messages delivered by Hillary Duff.

A+B=WTF

Rich Goldsmith — Thu, 01 May 2008 19:10:55 -0500

On Wednesday, April 30, 2008, Sen. John McCain jumped the shark.

When Timmy Met Margie

Rich Goldsmith — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:39:32 -0500

Today's launch of the new Republican "issue ad" blaming DFLers for Minnesotans being asked to sacrifice manhood and innocence alike whilst pumping merrily away at the gas station is just the latest chapter in a textbook Nora Ephron romance. You see, it always starts with the title characters loathing one another. And you'd be hard pressed to find more animosity and revulsion than early in the legislative session. Much like Harry and Sally, our own Tim Pawlenty and the state legislature started off on the

Ashwin Madia – the Man, the Myth, the One Democrat Who Won’t Call Michelle Bachmann Bat-Shit Crazy

Rich Goldsmith — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 23:52:09 -0500

If the ongoing national embarrassment that is the Democratic primary hasn't yet caused you to gouge out your eyes with a rusty spork, you may have noticed that the local political campaign season is in full swing. And because this year's campaigns are already shaping up to be nearly as contentious as the debate over whether the spawn of Billy Ray is just penance for the Western World's sins, or if her popularity is simply a

Minnesota's Own Nero

Rich Goldsmith — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 11:11:41 -0500

Oil is hovering around $115 a barrel, the lowest price of gas in the Twin Cities is $3.18, foreclosures are still a-rising, and yet, in her latest column, the Star Tribune's Katherine Kersten believes all we need to weather the storm of inflation, diminished access to credit, and skyrocketing healthcare costs is a shit-eating grin and a positive attitude. Allow me to add a hefty supply of recreational pharmaceuticals to the list, because these days I'd love to have some of whatever Kersten is smoking. A few

Minnesota: Card Carrying Member of the Mile High Club

Rich Goldsmith — Wed, 16 Apr 2008 08:38:04 -0500

After $761 million in public financing in the early nineties, countless broken promises to workers, unions, legislators, and the inane poke to the rectum that is the price of the Northwest SmartSnack, Minnesota's favorite dysfunctional relationship is over. Sure, it was great to throw our international hub status in the faces of those who would dare deem us flyover country. And surely the fascinating articles on

Happy Fun Friday: Hamas Edition

Rich Goldsmith — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 11:04:38 -0500

As snowbirds throughout the southern half of the country point and laugh maniacally at the spawn they left behind in this wintry hell known as Minnesota, we turn our attention to warmer climes. No, not Eldorado, Texas, where, until recently, polygamy was alive and far too pug fucking ugly and insecure to land anything but a harem full of nigh-prepubescent brides. Nor France,

Paris's Secret Shame

Rich Goldsmith — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 08:27:19 -0500

The world's attention is currently focused on the 130 day

The Unlubricated Hand of Government Intervenes Again

Rich Goldsmith — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:59:45 -0500

The status quo is almost always a warm, comforting feeling. No matter how often people complain about Minnesota's interminable winters, or Cyndy Brucato's mummy-like visage staring soullessly from KSTP evening newscasts, eternally hungering for the blood of Amy Hockert, they would still be profoundly disturbed these constants were

Stupid Sex

Rich Goldsmith — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 00:53:34 -0500

Sex is the great equalizer, for does not the rich man conduct his doggy-style in much the same way as the poor man? Granted, the rich man conducts his to the tune of $5,000 per night while the poor man's might've cost him a bottle of Strawberry Hill at the liquor store down the block, but in the end, both situations result in guttural noises and a tattered web of ego-salving lies.

Fiscal Lubrication

Rich Goldsmith — Mon, 31 Mar 2008 02:31:45 -0500

For those of you lulled into complacency by auspicious recent events such as Britney's brief flirtation with lucidity, it's important to note that, not only is the entertainment industry still pumping out fucking loons at a heretofore unheard of pace, but our politicians are providing ample evidence of a world view so profoundly divorced from reality that it's likely

Last Tango for the Cul-de-Sac of Love

Rich Goldsmith — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 01:27:35 -0500

The Minneapolis-Saint Paul Craig's List is a colder and more lonely place these days as foreclosures reach a feverish pace in otherwise sleepy places like Anoka County. Cul-de-sacs once buzzing with activity and excitement now lie fallow. Residents no longer stumble, drunk in hedonistic delight, from house to house, relieving boredom and ennui with the aid of wives, friends and longtime acquaintances in true bacchanalian tradition. No longer will promotions be celebrated with swing parties of legendary

Happy Fun Friday!

Rich Goldsmith — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 08:57:38 -0500

It’s Friday, and like that girl you had in the backseat of your dad’s Buick back in ’82, Spring just ain’t giving up the goods. And while the putrid grey color of today’s sky and frozen water the clouds vomit forth inch by cursed inch may bode well for today’s opening of the new North Face store in Uptown, it may well drive many in our fair state to crack open a bottle of Jameson and toast to today’s freezing over of the Nine Hells.

Readin', Writin', and Ninjutsu

Rich Goldsmith — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 01:01:09 -0500

Like the stealthy shinobi, Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings slipped in and out of Saint Paul yesterday, accomplishing her mission with a minimum of bloodshed and outcry from those who would oppose her in carrying out the quest laid upon her by her daimyo.

Making Coeds Cry

Rich Goldsmith — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 07:50:47 -0500

Like Jabba the Hutt, whose only purpose was to give George Lucas an excuse to put Princess Leia in a slave bikini, this year’s $1 billion budget deficit seems only to exist to further divide a legislature already spoiling for a fight. And much like the epic struggle between Empire and the Rebellion, the battles are pretty damn fun to watch, but the fallout is pretty painful for

Let's Do the Time Warp Again

Rich Goldsmith — Mon, 10 Mar 2008 08:36:47 -0500

In Godzilla movies, fallout from a nuclear test or some other significant disaster often awakens the monster, or one of his rivals, wreaking untold destruction upon Japan, like so.

Too Sexy for Uptown

Rich Goldsmith — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 02:51:45 -0600

Today is the day Uptown brings sexy back.

Primarily Screwed

Rich Goldsmith — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 01:58:47 -0600

If astronomers and astrophysicists are correct, we've got another 13-16 billion years until the universe collapses under its own mass and hubris in a Big Crunch - making it all the more impressive that it has taken just a few short months for Sen. Hillary Clinton's world to implode, compacting itself into a fiery mass of universal healthcare and primary-hued pantsuits. And best of all, emanating from deep within the core of this soon-to-be black hole from whence no screams or painfully contrived holiday