The Rake: And Now This

Bush Money

Cristina Cordova — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 22:18:14 -0500

My friend calls it his "Bush money." When I got my own Bush money—six hundred dollars from the Department of the Treasury—I stared at the words. Economic. Stimulus. Package. I'm not one to buy China-made plasma TVs, but I did want to help the American economy by buying something I wouldn't have otherwise bought. Something fun. Something stimulating. So I decided to trade in my economic package for a different kind of stimulating package. The silicon kind.

How to Buy a New Car

Cristina Cordova — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 10:16:31 -0500

The first thing I do is research the customer service program of the company that makes that new car I have my eyes on. The last thing I want to do is buy a product that makes one go to the dealer and pay $100 to ask a question. The Internet and all its frauds has also taught me that I don't want an 800 number thrown at me with someone on the other end who is struggling with my language and knows nothing about the environment my car and I live in—mostly near zero many months of the year.

Pharma Chameleon

Lisa Pahl — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 15:51:37 -0600

I have it all, from common afflictions (rashes, allergies, Sasquatch-like body hair) to those seldom mentioned in polite company (other types of rashes, irritable bowels, acid reflux, nighttime hog snore) to the just plain gross (dog breath, compacted sinuses). Thanks to modern medicine, I am generally successful in masking or suppressing the worst symptoms of these conditions—from public view, at least.

I, Too, Have a Bone to Pick with Andrew Zimmern

Lisa Pahl — Wed, 23 Jan 2008 16:52:38 -0600

At any rate, what’s my big problem with Zimmern? Where to begin, where to begin? First, I should admit that I really don’t know who this Zimmern fellow is. I mean, I really don’t know who the hell he is, just as, I’m sure, he doesn’t know who the hell I am. I got wind of a recent dust-up in the blogosphere, however, and felt curious enough to search Google for images of the man. I start there whenever possible, because I have no problem at all judging a book by its cover, being a firm believer in that old business about a picture being worth a thousand words.

We Like Ourselves So Much We’ll Have Seconds!

Cristina Cordova — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 11:53:14 -0600

Ah, the all-American hot dish—when you think about it, it’s a surprisingly spot-on analogue to the American people. Both contain three primary ingredients: meat, starch, and some sort of binding agent. Both have protective exteriors, yet their innards are tender and rife with all manner of improbable juxtapositions and mysteries. And, just like people, hot dishes come in all shapes and sizes. Some are for breakfast, some for supper. Some contain unusual ingredients, like pimientos, and some don’t.

A Christmas Tale

kristin harper — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 14:29:45 -0600

Every Christmas when I was a child, much of my extended family would gather at my grandparents’ farm outside a small town in Illinois. My own family would usually arrive early in the afternoon on Christmas Eve, and many other relatives who lived nearby would come out to the farm for dinner that night.

My grandparents had raised seven children, so there was always plenty of room for everybody at the farmhouse. My uncle Dick, who’d never married, still lived there and helped out around the farm. Dick was a bit of a drinker, and a big, jolly fellow.

Celebrity Match Game

cristina — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 15:06:04 -0500

Inquiring Minds

admin — Mon, 24 Sep 2007 00:00:00 -0500

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“By drawing freely from the subconscious, the painter can bestow upon the canvas images most people could only access under the influence of hypnosis or in the depths of sleep. In my métier, I find myself time and again exploring the lure of the forbidden.”

Mass Migration: A Virtual Fable

admin — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 00:00:00 -0500

TC paparazzi catch real people in celebrity moments!

admin — Mon, 30 Jul 2007 00:00:00 -0500

Smells Like [insert town name here] Spirit

admin — Mon, 25 Jun 2007 00:00:00 -0500

The Eco-Jargan Bargain

admin — Tue, 29 May 2007 00:00:00 -0500

Breaking the Spirit of Your Newborn Child

admin — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 00:00:00 -0500

2Pooped2Pop

admin — Mon, 26 Mar 2007 00:00:00 -0500

The State of the Union: The Fiftieth State

admin — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 00:00:00 -0600

Our Seating, Ourselves

admin — Mon, 29 Jan 2007 00:00:00 -0600

St. Paul

admin — Tue, 26 Dec 2006 00:00:00 -0600

Present Tense

admin — Mon, 20 Nov 2006 00:00:00 -0600

An Aunt’s Letter to Her Activist Nephew

admin — Mon, 23 Oct 2006 00:00:00 -0500

Fangs, Fur & Forgiveness

admin — Mon, 25 Sep 2006 00:00:00 -0500

The werewolf’s life has never been easy. But the complications of twenty-first-century living often result in even more confusion and frustration. Fortunately, a few sessions with a qualified life coach can help today’s lycanthrope adjust to those inevitable crises of confidence.

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OWN YOUR ASPIRATIONS.

A Letter to Nostaglia

admin — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 00:00:00 -0500

The Gatz of Hazzard

admin — Mon, 31 Jul 2006 00:00:00 -0500

The Dog's Lover

admin — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 00:00:00 -0500

Taking Control of My Finances

admin — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 00:00:00 -0500

Collector: This is in regards to your MBNA account, sir.

Debtor: OK.

c: And on the MBNA account, I have a due balance of $8,841 and change. They will settle for eighty percent of the balance or a payment plan.

d: Oh, OK.

c: So how did you want to proceed in that?

d: Um, I think I’m gonna go with the option I’ve been taking so far.

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c: Which is …

d: Um, well. The plan is to pay the balance back, but not according to a schedule.

Back to the Drawing Board At: City Hall

admin — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 00:00:00 -0500

Near Block E on March 31, spring arrived with a .44-caliber bang. The hero of the day was Minneapolis Police Officer Jomar Villamor, who quickly apprehended the suspect. It turned out that Officer Villamor was working off-duty, as were many of the police who responded that Friday night to the murder of a Minnetonka mortgage underwriter.

And Now This

admin — Thu, 23 Feb 2006 00:00:00 -0600

What have the Vulcans been up to since last year?

admin — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 00:00:00 -0600

“The Winter Carnival suspended the 2005 Vulcan Krewe and ordered future krewes to wear their real names on their costumes. In the past they have used character names, including ‘Baron Hot Sparkus’ and ‘Grand Duke Fertilious.’ The new Vulcans will also stop placing garters on women’s legs and attaching pins to their clothing. They will also take sexual harrassment and cultural sensitivity training.”—MPR

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**To view the complete side-splittingly funny comic, scroll down and click on the PDF file named RakeVulcans.pdf

The Test

admin — Thu, 20 Oct 2005 00:00:00 -0500

It's after Labor Day. What would Scott Seekins wear?

admin — Wed, 24 Aug 2005 00:00:00 -0500

This season, as you know, black is the new black. That puts local artist and object d’art Scott Seekins in a bit of bind. A sartorial and tonsorial marriage of Tom Wolfe and Marsden Hartley’s Adelard the Drowned, Seekins has long stood out here in the land of the bland, with his trademark seasonal shift from summer whites to winter blacks. Hoping to avert a fashion crisis, we stepped in to give this icon a makeover—one that would allow him to continue to march to his own drummer (and retain the divine garnish of his signature headband, which simply cannot be improved upon).

Bush or Kerry?

admin — Thu, 22 Jul 2004 00:00:00 -0500

I have been in close personal contact with both President George W. Bush and Massachusetts Senator John Kerry. I am embarrassed to admit I don’t recall my previous dealings with either gentleman, but somehow each has become convinced that he can count on my fervent support in this year’s presidential race. Awkward. What to do?