The Rake: Road Rake

Legal Lolitas

Chris Birt — Wed, 14 May 2008 09:58:08 -0500

I have always wondered why certain cars remain off limits to men of a particular age.

momoughttamobiles

Chris Birt — Sun, 11 May 2008 11:00:38 -0500

(pictured: the AMG R-class Mercedes. 502HP, 0-60, 4.7 seconds. Meet the Mom who owns one--lives in Excelsior.)

Mother's Day manipulative?

Not for Road Rakes.

I have always found, for example, that Mimosas pair nicely with a late model Mercedes and/or Maserati. For this reason, you ought consider taking your mom car shopping. Women buy more cars than men anyway (a fact that seems lost on most dealers.)

Duh. Duh. Duh, Duh Duh?

Chris Birt — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:39:26 -0500

If you are going to review films, as my USC intern used to say, then start at the top. So here is my review of Iron Man.

Because Iron Man is more of a movie than a film, I am not sure what to say. Films engage you. Movies distract you.

To be honest, Iron Man may well be a film if it weren't for its one overarching distraction. I waited, as did others, for "the riff." The riff that could be the greatest in hard rock history (so some say). So why does John Farveau wait until the credits to hit us with Ozzy's opus?

Grand Theft Autopilot

Chris Birt — Mon, 05 May 2008 13:44:36 -0500

Here's the problem with Grand Theft Auto (and a solution).

Its not that Grand Theft Auto is stealing minds. The problem is that the program allows you to experience fear in an artificial context. I have found that fear is much more exhilarating and useful when it is real. I took up mountaineering, for example, to experience the imminent fear of disaster. (In addition to my job.)

Porn Again.

Chris Birt — Fri, 02 May 2008 09:01:16 -0500

(Pictured: The 1000HP Hennessy Viper. More on this one in a later post. Hennessy is the porn king of American cars and reportedly a real prick. E-mail him.)

This will be an on-going follow-up post to my "Nature Porn" comments a few months back. In my my previous post, I covered the world's most obscene SUV for the money—the Hennessy Grand Cherokee SRT-8.

Nurses, diesels and douchiness

Chris Birt — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:36:51 -0500

(Pictured. Douching device (not to size). May also be used for urea replacement in your diesel. Read below).

Do me a favor. Take the snarky tone of my blog (is it? oh, is it? please!) and put it aside for a minute. I mean create an Obama and the Preacher (aka bigot) wall between my blog and what I am about to say.

I might have been wrong about diesels.

Someone acutally convinced me last night that the new 60mpg Jetta will never be for weasels. I now think I agree.

Diesel. Rhymes with Weasel.

Chris Birt — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:23:54 -0500

...and in the same breath--the Prius, indisputably an automobile for ryhmes-with-wussies...

If only for the simple fact that buying "green" right now is just plain dumb. And please, before you cleanse your computer screen with Mommy's blood-decorated stole, consider these three logical points:

a) With a hybrid you are buying into a somewhat untested technology that is merely fashionable at the moment.

b) You are buying at a ridiculous premium.

Automotive Irredentism

Chris Birt — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:30:14 -0500

pictured: The Yukon XL—"the national car of Texas"

I recently finished reading a book on TFK terrorism (essentially) called The Bullet's Song. As pretentious as this lead-in sentence sounds, I really did read the book and, in the process, learned some fascinating words.

The Pope and BMW. Hellish.

Chris Birt — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 09:35:52 -0500

I have been struck by lightning.

BMW now apparently wants the Popemobile biz (proposal depicted above). As a Mercedes (exclusive builders of Vatican limos for an eternity) owner, I pray for an intercession.

As no self-respecting Swabian would be seen in a high-end Manure Wagen, neither should His Most Holy Benedict.

Ruf Rash

Chris Birt — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 15:41:01 -0500

(e.d.: I wish I had an uncle like Kurt Nelson's. The "Yellobird" is just the most famous roadgoing Porsche Turbo of all time. Big article in Sports Car International this month--the only one you should read. Here are Kurt's fond memories of the RUF experience, rashes included:)

The day I drove a RUF CTR stays with me like a good rash — something a little annoying, but the burning sensation went away with boost, oh so lovely boost.

Hillaright and Hillawrong.

Chris Birt — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 19:53:39 -0500

I am not exactly sure what I am trying to say with my headline. While I won't pick nits with her politics, I fear that if she, my fellow sister, were to gain the white house (I may be the only that holds a candle--for my own reasons) she will raise the CAFE standards even further than 35MPG.

The Saint in me says she is right.

The Devil says, "death to her and all her pets."

Why must she remain so polarizing?

My Fifth Wife's Life

Chris Birt — Tue, 08 Apr 2008 11:23:00 -0500

I received an e-mail that this Ron guy insisted I publish along with a picture of his scarcely-aged trophy (above). This has not been spell-checked and is re-produced unmolested (bad choice of word?)

How Clinton Wrecked His Ferrari

Chris Birt — Sat, 05 Apr 2008 14:39:00 -0500

When you have enough money, you call your son Clinton or Caufield or something stilted enough to create an affect. You also (or so the guys at the Porsche dealership tell me) buy your kid a car he or she should never try to pilot. Of course, this results in great websites.

Sei Moa Me

Chris Birt — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 15:50:47 -0500

You may not know this yet but there is a woman out there that will drive little men like you crazy. I say little men because she is a woman of stature that does not need a car to prove her worth.

But what rides she owns.

She favors late '60s muscle car cruisers that look good going down the boulevard and fast when you slam them to the floor.

Malibu Barbie. Yours At Last.

Chris Birt — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 09:42:50 -0500

I never thought it would happen.

Chevrolet has made a car that people like you will want.

..Want like that song you sing to yourself in those private automotive moments when you hope no one is watching.

..Want like that Barbie you think about and hope is sentiment you pray no one will share. (Especially not Elliot as he can afford it, or so he thinks).

"Edina Mom" above Mammaries

Chris Birt — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 12:21:06 -0600

Look, I deeply understand that trenchant matters of importance are upon us. Hillary is imploding, the silver haired wren is the latest casualty of climate change (speaking as an amateur orthonologist, it matters), sticky sidewalks in downtown Minneapolis are about to be re-introduced due to the flaccid governance of a weak Mayor system in spite of the fervor of one Raymond Thomas.

And yet.

Born From Jets. A Saab Story.

Chris Birt — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 17:10:14 -0600

(Pictured: The tiny "Ursaab" 92001 which reminds me of a small plane stepped on by an elephant.)

I give to you, again, a post from Kurt Nelson, skier, writer, road pilot, with a few thoughts on automotive flight:

Homosexual Hot Rods. OK.

Chris Birt — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 16:36:28 -0600

Its no secret that I am an afficionado of both hot rods and message boards. The two form a less than poltically correct union however. For example, a old favorite of mine the Honkey Ass Message Board or H.A.M.B has been an exceptionally well-crafted and written forum.

Till some egits began posting their thoughts on the origins of the term "hot-rod" asking, in their own scintillating syntax whether the term is "totally gay."

Doncha' Wish Your Benz Was ...

Chris Birt — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 13:07:15 -0600

You know what they say--if pictures could sing.

Well this is the last of my photo batch from that National Musee' D'Automotive in France. I have been saving her picture because she is the car that spoke to me more than any other.

I think that is because this Benz seems like a female sibiling of the SSK that dominated so many race tracks in the 1930s. I never realized that brute had a twin--much less a sister.

Don't you wish?

Speeding Down Everest

Chris Birt — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 11:21:07 -0600

(Pictured above: A bulletin board in a ski racer's hut. The love of speed leads to a lack of problems. At least those with names.)

Last week I included a trenchant post from a skier. I hope to have more comments from this caliber of athlete--the most ballsy of breeds.

Frozen Butts & Boost

Chris Birt — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 12:18:06 -0600

(e.d. This is a well-considered weigh-in on the beauty of boost. I experienced this in heavy doses last night. Kurt Nelson is a top-notch ski-racing coach who knows more than me about horizontal and vertical speed. Pictured: The terror of all turbos—the Porsche 935.)

Tank-Like Titilation

Chris Birt — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 09:47:08 -0600

As I mentioned before, my 166 piece photo library from the national automotive museum in Alsace is unweildly for online use. I focused mainly on potrait shooting of the most amazing vehicles on the planet--like this very early racing Bugatti from the 1920s.

I'd show you some photos of the Royale (the rarest and most expensive car in the world) but the lighting was terrible--at least for my phone camera. But heck, I consider the "tank" shot above pretty good for a phone camera. And I've never minded titilation.

getdisbugouttame

Chris Birt — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 12:50:07 -0600

I admit that after a lifelong obsession with automotive things, I never really got what the fuss was about Bugatti.

Until I actually saw one, then sat in it, then started it up at the national automotive museum in Alsace. Its all clear now. Ettore Bugatti was the son of a sculptor who is exhibited in the D'Orsay. His sculptures are macho things, the stuff that one might find in an upscale version of a Tony Montana boudoir--panthers, tigers, that kind of thing. All very emotive, which, in a nutshell defines the classic Bugatti.

Better Than An Italian Supermodel

Chris Birt — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 15:20:10 -0600

So how was JesusChristmas for you all here in the United States? I have been away over the holidays but I have not been wasting time.

Au contraire.

You see I have been busily working in France test driving cars that most people can only dream about. Cars even hotter than France's new President's bride to be (a former supermodel, shamelessly so). I've included a shot of the F40 I picked up in front of the Ritz on the Place Vendome'. This is the Ferrari that everyone wants due to its umitigated brutality (the last full car designed by the Holy Devil himself.)

Chuck Huck

Chris Birt — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 10:16:01 -0600

I heard that Mike Huckabee is pals with Chuck Norris and that the "Huck and Chuck" show plays well in Iowa. Apparently the former preacher also takes alot of fitness breaks because he doesn't want to slip and fall on the black prairie ice.

And this guy is pals with Chuck?

That sucks.

I would like to suggest a few vehicles to spirit his formerly large rear end outside to spew a few more aphorisms to the faithful.

Babes Without Beards

Chris Birt — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 13:57:57 -0600

Schick got themselves into infernally hot water for this one. Apparently Turbo Terry has been sourcing her likeness out to more than one razor company and automotive resource.

The good news for The Road Rake is that Turbo Terry (indeed the honey on the lower right) is no longer capable of suing me for creating a verbally accurate picture of her likeness.

Schick, on the other hand, is about to be sued by Pontiac for essentially using the same model that is in discussions with Gillette to cross-promote the "smoothest handling on the planet."

Man Enough for Moon Patrol

Chris Birt — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 16:36:32 -0600

I submit my good friend Andy Goldman Gray's thoughts on his beloved Aztek, supposedly penned while he was flying on Nyquil. He is VP Marketing at United Way, so contribute some of your thoughts (even money) in a professional capacity.

Can a Horse Convert to Scientology?

Chris Birt — Wed, 05 Dec 2007 12:00:40 -0600

Photo: He doesn't have the stomach for it, nor do I.

The recent article about Scientology reminds me of an ordeal my business endured last year (and it has a car angle).

I have created advertising for the National Western in Denver for the past three years. It is the world's largest stock show (800,000 attend). Our campaign has made the animals the "Rock Stars of the West." While we've had a few run-ins with PETA, we've had more trouble with the Scientologists.

The Samurai Transvestite

Chris Birt — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 19:32:20 -0600

I have a secret.

There is a vehicle that I have wanted to blog about for months. To be honest, if I came right out and told you the name of this vehicle you would laugh. It has no cred. So I've kept it quiet. Till today.

My recent foray into cross-dressing drag sites has given me new confidence about introducing this vehicle. Before I name the vehicle, allow me to tell you a little about the Japanese art form that has inspired its design.

Mustang Strippers From Mars

Chris Birt — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 19:35:55 -0600

A while back, my editor informed me that blog readers enjoy hearing about the author's personal life. While I remain suspicious about this online axiom, I will admit that I read car magazines. I peruse so many car magazines and sites in a week that it leaves little time for discretion. Because of this, I frequently encounter photos of people with more modifications than the vehicles they are pictured beside, astride, etc.