The daily digest of Twin Cities culture | Secrets of the City

Number, Name—Identifiers; Description

0, Calm—Skin tone normal; Passive agreement, no apparent problems

1, Flap—Dirty looks cast Long periods of silence, punctuated by grunts

2, Squabble—Eyes narrow Widespread nitpicking, mild name-calling

3, Dust-up—Some color in the cheeks; Ungrounded accusations, small threat of physical contact

4, Spat—Clenched fists, jaw; Open name-calling, disagreement on facts

5, Row—Notable presence of spittle; Listening stops, continuous mutual belittlement

6, Fracas—High color in cheeks; Third parties get involved

7, Tussle—Some damage to hearing possible; Third parties and damned “peacemakers” begin to interfere

8, Kerfuffle—Personal space no longer observed; Local newspaper takes notice, credible threats of violence

9, Donnybrook—Stuttering; Punches thrown

10, Brawl—Eyes bugging; Legally actionable punches thrown

11, Melee—Head-butting; Stay away. Stay far away.

12, Republican Majority—Lifeless eyes, communication primarily through blogging; Loss of all respect for dissent, and non-fetal human life