It’s Friday, and like that girl you had in the backseat of your dad’s Buick back in ’82, Spring just ain’t giving up the goods. And while the putrid grey color of today’s sky and frozen water the clouds vomit forth inch by cursed inch may bode well for today’s opening of the new North Face store [1] in Uptown, it may well drive many in our fair state to crack open a bottle of Jameson and toast to today’s freezing over of the Nine Hells.

Now, women in fleece and quilted coats [2] turn me on as much as the next guy, but does the melting of the polar ice caps really have to signal warmer weather and coastal living for everyone but the masochistic souls of the Upper Midwest? Do we not deserve some warmth when we’ve been subjected to a winter of arctic air, partisan bickering [3], and a plague of douchebags? [4]

In any case, while it’d be much more effective to offer everyone in the Twin Cities metro area free pharmaceutical-grade opiates, instead, we of The Defenestrator bring you Happy Fun Fridays – a new potentially regular feature straight from the land of make-believe and unicorns meant to bring you, our valued reader, the joy that is so profoundly and painfully missing from your life.

So dry your tears, stop touching your outer child inappropriately and get in touch with your inner child as you play the Obama: Race for the White House [7] game! Think Obama is a hypocritical, albeit charismatic, opportunist? Then you’ll be thrilled to offer universal health care [8] as America’s favorite battle-axe in Hillary: Race for the White House [9]! Or perhaps you’re a geriophile [10] with a firm belief that we’re winning the war in Iraq? Then relive the glory days of the war with a little Baghdad Bowling. [11]

Or maybe you’re tired and just need some sunshine in your life and some help figuring out what you want for dinner tonight. Well, before there was Obama Girl, there were bikini-clad cooking tips from the superheroine herself.

So dry your tears and take heart that even though today’s weather and the state of our legislature is evidence that God doesn’t love you [13], you’ve got a friend at The Rake.