Like Jabba the Hutt, whose only purpose was to give George Lucas an excuse to put Princess Leia in a slave bikini [1], this year’s $1 billion budget deficit seems only to exist to further divide a legislature already spoiling for a fight. And much like the epic struggle between Empire and the Rebellion, the battles are pretty damn fun to watch, but the fallout is pretty painful [2] for those affected by the proposed cuts.

Now, there are any number of groups making their case to the legislature, whining and mewling like the drunken babies Arne Carlson is trying to preserve funding for [3] as the state government digs deep for beer money. And while it’s tempting to sit back and laugh at the knee-jerk responses that treat the former governor as if he were just another political opponent running for office, accusing him of supporting tax increases and questioning the size of his genitalia, there are more important things at stake here.

Among many others, our state’s system of universities is particularly hard hit under the proposed budget cuts and faces having $54 million summarily hacked from its coffers. $27 million of this money will come directly from the U. University of Minnesota President Robert Bruininks has stated that such cuts could well raise tuition, reduce the university’s ability to invest in research and technology, and force the University Extension Service to start selling the primo weed [4] the master gardeners have been growing (for purely medical purposes) to cover expenses.

Strangely, the response to these issues was to call the university fat, and accuse it of carrying too much dead weight in the administration [7], saying that dropping a few pounds would do it some good. Now, the state government would seem to not have much room to talk in that regard, but rather than comparing one group’s Rikki Lake to another’s Kirstie Allie, we can do some quick and dirty analysis. Ohio State, a Big 10 school much like the U and roughly on par in terms of student population, had expenditures of more than $4 billion last fiscal year. The U, in comparison, is operating with around $2.5 billion. OSU, of course, charges nearly $6,000 per year for tuition at the least, while the U charts in about $1,300 less and is already falling behind in research rankings. So maybe further starving Ms. Lake isn’t wise. She looks thin enough [8] as it is.

Of course, the true victims here are the coeds of the university system. Everyone knows the hale and hearty Minnesotan male will be able to hunt food to survive [9] when tuition rises and they’re no longer able to afford a quality education. However, the gentle females of our fair state, still in need of an education to survive, will turn to stripping and prostitution to pay their tuition and buy enough beer to make sleeping with the males left at the university moderately palatable. They will flood the Warehouse District in competition for the limited funds available in our economic downturn and lure our congressional leaders into sensibly priced motel room trysts -- because charging Emperor's Club [10] prices just wouldn't be right for a nice Lutheran girl.

With this phenomenon will come inevitable moral and economic decay, our great cities deteriorating until we’ve become nothing more than a poor man’s Amsterdam – albeit with shitty mass transit and more difficult access to quality recreational pharmaceuticals. $54 million seems a small price to pay to avoid such a fate.

Just as disturbing is the potential assault on the criminal justice system. $11.9 million of the proposed $16.52 million in public safety cuts is aimed directly at reductions in budgets for courts and public defenders. The right to a fair trial is quickly sauntering toward a brutal slaughter [11].

Caseloads are at an all-time high for the state’s public defenders – sitting at twice the ABA’s standards. Now, when the Board of Public Defense was already looking at a deficit of $2.1 million dollars, the proposed cuts put them even further in the hole – at $4.8 million. And since the office has already instituted a hiring freeze and cut administrative staff, all that’s left is lawyers. According to the Talmud, that’s one of the portents of the coming apocalypse.

Now, in the case of an apocalypse, tradition says the moral few would be whisked away [12]. But those of left behind may still be thinking that our public defenders will be so harried we may see more criminals put away. But along with that possibility comes longer waits for trials, so the accused are out on the streets longer. Not to mention the increased chance of success on appeal, mistrials, and other assorted legal entertainments of the sort most Minnesotans have heretofore only enjoyed whilst watching omnipresent Law & Order [13] reruns on TBS.

Now, these are dire predictions, to be sure. But take heart, fellow tundra-dwellers. The DFL majority in the legislature is eager to score points with you by restoring quality legal services and ensuring our state’s ample population of drunken coeds give it away to drunken frat boys, not well-heeled legislators like the Sex Hog [14]. Just do your best to ignore their attempts at raising taxes to pay for all of it.

Or, like me, you can just pray for a robot uprising [15].