It has become quite obvious in recent days that loyal service just isn't rewarded within the legislature anymore. As recently as a handful of years ago, long-tenured legislators and officials would be shown the public's appreciation through pompous public ceremonies and the occasional backroom smorgasbord of hookers and blow. But Lindsey Lohan's rates [1] have gone through the roof, and tight budgets have reduced the budget for recreational pharmaceuticals in the Senate to almost nil. As a result, the legislature hasn't put together a proper farewell for our very own soon-to-be departing state transportation commissioner slash lieutenant-governor - Carol Molnau.

Since Tim Pawlenty's election in 2002, Molnau has tirelessly served our state as a triple threat - lieutenant governor, transportation commissioner and national arm wrestling champion [2]. Her self-proclaimed transportation expertise, which has been amply demonstrated by such deftly executed projects as the Wakota Bridge project [3], and her masterful handling of the 35W/62 interchange project, where her requirement that all contractors bidding on the project pay construction costs up front and then be reimbursed by the state resulted in no bidders coming forward to take the work, stalling the project and saving the state millions in 2006.

Of course, Molnau has had her detractors. Some call her leadership asinine, accusing her of being an unqualified bumpkin who managed to drive Mn/DOT into the ditch like a farm girl drunk on lust and moonshine attempting to make it to Sartel on her daddy's tractor [6]. Unfortunately, the tractor in question vibrates quite distractingly once it hits 5 miles per hour, making it hard for our heroine to keep her eyes on the road. Of course, it doesn't help that the roads the tractor has to travel on, in the words of several legislators, are "crumbling," or that the process for awarding the hundreds of millions of dollars at stake for the new 35W bridge was approximately as comprehensible as Britney Spears' thought processes [7]. In the meantime, she'll just need to rev that fucker up and jump the gap in true Duke boys fashion [8]. And if the tractor won't cut it, maybe she can borrow one of those brand new F-150s [9] Flatiron imported from Colorado for the project.

Regardless, Molnau is most likely on her way out today, so why focus on the pain of the past when we can build a brighter future? The king is dead, long live the king, and all that, right? Well, in order to build that brighter future, we'll need a new transportation commissioner. Someone who can unite, rather than divide. Someone who can bring hope to all - from the unwashed masses on the 5 to the Chaska housewife deftly maneuvering her lumbering Expedition from pothole to pothole.

And who would my recommendation be for this august post, assuming Molnau goes the way of the nigh-mythical Yecki? Who could be our beacon, our ray of hope that will bring happiness and My Little Pony [10] back to this great state?

Laurie Coleman

Mrs. Coleman would be the ideal choice to resurrect our transportation infrastructure from the blasted, post-apocalyptic landscape [11] we're greeted with on a daily basis. She learned urban renewal from Norm Coleman - a man who has played both sides of the aisle in his political career with grace and aplomb, not to mention a certain amount of opportunism. She can sell ideas [12] in ways that Carol Molnau never dreamed. This former runway model has already convinced me to install a Blo & Go, though I was under the impression it offered an entirely different feature set that would have more utility for today's man on the go. I've even heard that, in preparation for the call from Gov. Pawlenty, she has devised a way to monetize Minnesota's surplus of icy Scandinavian blondes, a resource our great state is known for. According to Coleman's projections, this new export could likely negate the need for the recently passed gas tax.

Of course, it doesn't hurt that she's hot. We could use a little eye-candy to distract us from the politicking and rampant idiocy [13]. Besides, did not Keats say, "Beauty is truth, truth beauty,-that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know"? Which, after taking a spin through the photos of our legislators [14], goes a long way toward explaining why truth comes at such a premium up at the capitol these days.