BUSINESS
On the other hand, we recommend that you call Duluth “Paris.”
A New York marketing research firm hired by Meet Minneapolis [9], the Minneapolis Convention and Visitors Association, to help with a branding campaign [10]for Minneapolis and St. Paul came up with the suggestion that Minneapolis and St. Paul refer to themselves in their marketing materials as Minneapolis-St. Paul.
A cool, shady (really, really shady) place, conveniently located between Brian Herron Boulevard and the Dean Zimmermann Bike Path
In May, a new, much-admired park opened along the Mississippi riverfront, next to the Guthrie Theater [11]. It was originally going to be called McGuire Park, after former UnitedHealth Group [12]CEO William McGuire [13]and his wife Nadine, whose foundation donated $5 million to create and maintain the park. But when McGuire resigned [14]in October 2006, after an internal investigation revealed that United was backdating stock options to sweeten the pot for its executives, a new name was cooked up: Gold Medal Park [15].
Arrested Development: the Minneapolis version
Former heir apparent Curtis Carlson Nelson [16] left Carlson Companies [17] and sued the corporation’s high-profile doyenne (who just happens to be his mother) because she refused to name him CEO and cut him in on the family’s huge fortune. Marilyn Carlson Nelson [18] countersued, by claiming her son was too incompetent to run the business.
In related news: Yahoo Serious named most powerful man in hollywood
In March, Forbes.com [19] ranked Kevin McHale [20] as the top general manager in major professional sports. The website of the formerly esteemed business publication said it didn’t matter that McHale had never won a championship [21]in his twelve years at the helm of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Two criteria pushed Big Mac to the top: His dramatic improvement over the horrid performance of his predecessor, “Trader” Jack McCloskey [22]; and his narrow win in the “Separated at Birth: Herman Munster [23] Category.”
Sometimes that old addition-by-subtraction thing doesn’t really add up
In July, the Timberwolves [26] traded Kevin Garnett [27], the greatest athlete in the history of Minnesota team sports, to the Boston Celtics [28]. Afterward, Wolves owner Glen Taylor [29]told the media that KG had asked for too much money, protected malcontents in the locker room, worked behind the scenes to get former coach Flip Saunders [30] fired, and generally contributed to the team’s dysfunction. KG is the current favorite to win his second NBA Most Valuable Player award and take the Celts to the playoffs, while the Wolves are on a plodding track to the league’s worst record.
I never promised you a Rose Bowl … oh, wait—I did!
In January, when he was named head coach of the Gophers football team, Tim Brewster [31]proclaimed, “Our expectation is to win a Big Ten championship now.” [32]Later he boasted, “You’re not going to be a great salesman if you don’t have a great product … This is going to be an easy sell.” [33]Sadly, Brewster never deviated from that script as the Gophers proceeded to go 1-11, losing more games than any team in Gopher football history.
FLYING HIGH?
We didn’t think that the beleaguered Northwest Airlines—which, among other catastrophic blunders in 2006, issued a pamphlet [34]advising soon-to-be-laid-off employees to save money by Dumpster diving, renting out rooms in their houses, and popping sample prescription pills—could possibly offer up additional follies in ’07. We were wrong.
We recommend a little product Called “Airborne”—it’s effervescent!
On July 1, the airline announced that it lost $25 million in June [35] after being forced to cancel hundreds of flights. Spokespeople said the cancellations were the result of pilots calling in sick.
Corporate welfare: Helping moguls get back on the road to happy, productive lives.
On July 31, however, the airline announced [36] it had pulled in a $273 million pre-tax profit, a 53 percent increase from the same period in 2006.
Fee Enhancement? Is That Why We’re Getting All Those Emails?
The very next day, on August 1, the lead law firm that handled the airline’s bankruptcy case attempted to nab another $3.5 million on top of the $35.4 million [37] it had already charged. They claimed they needed a “fee enhancement” after realizing that the airline would be able to pay back nearly seventy-five percent of its creditors. That idea didn’t fly, but lawyers took in quite a haul nonetheless in steering the airline out of its mess: twenty-two firms pulled in $124.2 million in fees and expenses.
See? Corporate welfare really does work
That was followed in late October by Northwest’s announcement about its third quarter: $244 million in net profits [38], which it declared its highest profit in ten years.
MEDIA
Surprisingly, no one bit on the eight-part “Beheaded Carp” series
The Wall Street Journal [39] scooped the Star Tribune (and won a Pulitzer Prize) reporting on billion-dollar abuses by local CEOs at UnitedHealth Group and other corporations. The New York Times [40] beat the local daily investigating the peculiar installation of Rachel Paulose as U.S. Attorney in Minneapolis. But the Strib made up for it by scoring national and international “pick ups” with stories on cat-beheadings in Carver and a dog-beheading in St. Paul.
You’d think he got a clue when Cyndy Brucato and Dave Dahl slapped his face
Short-lived KSTP-TV anchor Kent Ninomiya [41], while working for WICD-TV in Champaign, Illinois, was accused of attempting to lure a female intern into a ménage à trois with another woman who worked at the station. According to testimony [42], Ninomiya agreed to have sex with the second woman if she arranged for the much younger intern to join them. The incident came to light when the intern was stopped for a DUI and told police she was fleeing the attempted three-way. The intern reportedly told police she found Ninomiya “too old” for her.
Quick, go tell marketing to cancel the billboards
When the Star Tribune received complaints after its website home page featured a story, originally published in Star Tribune property vita.mn, touting the best places for outdoor sex in the Twin Cities [43], Strib editor Nancy Barnes said [44] “I think it sent the wrong message about the Star Tribune brand.” We weren’t able to find a comment from Barnes about vita.mn’s subsequent story on the etiquette of asking your partner for anal sex.
In his defense, he did it indoors
The scrupulous guardian of public mores who provoked the attack on that outdoor sex story in vita.mn, former Rudy Boschwitz [45]and Arne Carlson [46] press secretary Tim Droogsma, [47] was busted in a prostitution-ring sweep. To his credit, Droogsma had sex with prostitutes he contacted on Craigslist [48] rather than in the sculpture garden.
Except Oscar Wilde’s publisher, of course
Marq, [51] a new local luxury magazine, broke fresh journalistic ground when publisher Monica Moses [52]revealed that she organizes her books by the color of their spines. “The blues drift into purples, which drift into fuchsia. Let me tell you, book publishers aren’t doing enough with fuchsia.”
Call us crazy—better yet, leave it to someone else
In a non-sequitur lede to an otherwise innocuous play review, a writer for the Minnesota Daily [53] described southwest Minneapolis artist Mari Newman [54] as a “maniacal, googily eyed token crazy lady” of “questionable mental faculties.” City Pages caught wind of the story and, opting against the high road, published a response entitled “MN Daily writes mean and stupid article [55].” Someone claiming to be Newman appeared on City Pages’ comment board to declare her sanity and name local female artists she thought were more deserving of the title.
Close enough—people have been confusing Dinkytown and St. Paul for years
In the hours and days following the August 1 collapse of the I-35W bridge, the nation turned its eyes and ears—and the press corps of its major networks—on Minneapolis. While one might expect some of them to be unfamiliar with flyover country, former WCCO anchor Randi Kaye [56] reported on CNN that “the Interstate 35W bridge between Minneapolis and St. Paul just broke apart.” [57]
If this is McKellen’s idea of Lear’s rage, we’re gonna need another actor
In October, Star Tribune gossip monger C.J. [58]—the woman Prince dubbed “Billy Jack Bitch” [59]—burned Brenda Langton [60], owner of Spoonriver [61]. The restaurateur, C.J reported, allegedly turned away Sir Ian McKellen [62], the legendary actor who was in town to play King Lear [63] at the Guthrie, when he showed up a half-hour before opening time. Unfortunately for C.J., that was not the end of the story. The supposedly spurned actor returned the following day and ended up having a private dinner in Langton’s tiny kitchen office. After polishing off his meal, Sir Ian made a final demonstration of his displeasure at his treatment, inscribing a copy of the newspaper column: “Don’t believe a word you read in the Star Tribune.”
If you really don’t like anarchists blocking traffic, don’t go to St. Paul on St. Patrick’s Day
“Are you rushing to catch the last few innings of your son’s baseball game?” Katherine Kersten [64] fumed in the pages of the Star Tribune in October. “Critical Mass doesn’t give a rip.” Those “serial lawbreakers” on bikes who clog the streets the last Friday of every month—using a publicized route which, should you pay attention, enables you to make alternate plans for getting to your ballgame—are nothing more than power-hungry narcissists intent on, well, keeping you from driving your SUV to the mall.
A weather god, verily, as if sprung from the loins of Zeus!
In the twenty-two months since Sven Sundgaard [65]became weekend meteorologist at the local NBC affiliate, the twenty-something hunk has become a camp sensation, a testament to his ability to charm conservative exurbanites and gay men alike. Sundgaard’s hipster cred includes cover modeling for the local GLBT publication Lavender [66] and guest-starring on the Electric Arc Radio Show [67]. He also maintains a blog [68] at KARE11.com that features wholesome snapshots of his grandparents, the family’s pet goat Abigail, and his own naked torso.
PAR FOR THE COARSE
It was quite the year for Par Ridder, scion of one of America’s wealthiest publishing families. Here’s the abbreviated version.
For a million bucks he would have stayed another couple days and burned his non-compete in the executive washroom
Ridder [69]accepted a $600,000 windfall from his family’s publicly controlled corporation, Knight-Ridder [70], to remain as publisher of the St. Paul Pioneer Press [71]as the newspaper chain was being sold. After several months, and several pep talks to PiPress staff about loyalty, he bolted for a better offer at the Star Tribune.
Oh, lighten up. Who among us hasn’t been born super rich, lived in Daddy’s shadow, and felt the need to bust out a little? I mean, what are lawyers for?
Freshly arrived at the Star Tribune, Ridder was promptly sued [72] by his former employer for violating non-compete agreements, stealing St. Paul Pioneer Press executives, and uploading highly proprietary PiPress sales information into the Star Tribune system. A Ramsey County judge eventually agreed with PiPress ownership and in September tossed him out of the Star Tribune. The cheeky Ridder responded to that order with an appeal, and then, apparently having acquired a clue, finally resigned in December.
He still has the souvenir key fob and tote bag
At the three-day hearing to decide whether Ridder should step aside as publisher of the Star Tribune, it was revealed that, upon learning that Ridder had taken a laptop computer and a USB drive, both loaded with confidential data, the Pioneer Press demanded he immediately return the drive. Ridder, claiming he thought they wanted the cheap hardware back, ordered an underling to buy a brand-new, $40 USB drive and send it over to St. Paul.
The deal was done when Paul threw in the satellite dish on the roof
Simultaneous with his much-publicized legal troubles, Ridder announced “right-sizing” [73] measures that would eventually cost more than 160 Star Tribune employees their jobs. In May, he also laid out $2.73 million for a Lake of the Isles mansion [74]formerly owned by former KARE 11 anchor Paul Magers.
POLITICS
Wanted: young, clueless shrew to choreograph a train wreck
Months before the national scandal [75]over “politicization” of U.S. Attorney offices, veteran Twin Cities prosecutor Tom Heffelfinger [76] stepped down and was replaced by thirty-four-year-old Rachel Paulose [77]. Paulose returned to Minnesota directly from the staff of soon-to-be-ridiculed-from-office Attorney General Alberto Gonzales [78], and shortly after staging a lavish “coronation” [79]for herself at St. Thomas University, four of her top assistants resigned [80]. Following reports that she referred [81] to an African-American employee as “fat,” “black,” and “lazy”—but just before she got “kicked upstairs” to a job with the Justice Department in Washington—Paulose accused [82]her critics of McCarthyism.
Foot-in-mouth disease: A bipartisan epidemic
It was politics as usual back in January when then-DFL Chair Brian Melendez [83] fired off a press release [84]accusing Senator Norm Coleman [85] of choosing “partisan politics over the well-being of 29,000 Minnesotans” by voting against raising the minimum wage to $7.25 per hour. “Senator Coleman had better start putting partisanship aside and standing up for Minnesota’s working families,” Melendez threatened. There was one small problem: The Republican senator actually voted for the bill.
Not so fast—I might need some remedial help
Last winter, Minneapolis City Councilman Don Samuels [86] advocated that a school in his district, North High, be torched [87]. “Burn North High down!” he said. “I can’t be paying as a taxpayer for the education of my neighbors and 72 percent of them are failing—meaning black boys.” The redundancy of “paying as a taxpayer,” indicates that the councilman could use one of North’s remedial grammar classes. The erroneously inflated failure rate indicates that a statistics course is also in order. And perhaps one of North’s guidance counselors could help him with those anger management issues.
That’s why I’ve got this copy of War and Peace in my holster
During a debate on increasing funding for Minneapolis libraries vs. spending more money for police, Samuels said [88], “When you are a person at the other end of a gun … the only use for a book is to throw it at them, or block a bullet with it.”
Thou shalt not throw the good book in vain
In July, state Rep. Mark Olson [91], R-Big Lake, was convicted of misdemeanor assault [92] following charges that, among other acts, he hurled a Bible at his wife. In court, Olson contended that on several occasions, as he sat placidly studying scripture, his wife tore the Bible from his hands and either hit him with it or slammed it on a nearby table.
DUI: Democrats Under the Influence
The president of the Minnesota Senate, James Metzen [93] (DFL-South St. Paul), was arrested for drunken driving just two hours after closing the 2007 session. His blood alcohol measured .15, nearly twice the legal limit. (He got a fine and community service.) The story hit the national wires and resurrected a TV news report from a few years ago that showed state legislators drinking in Metzen’s office. The day after the arrest, the political gossip site Wonkette [94] led with: “The Minnesota Legislature: Still the Nation’s Booziest.”
Unlike here, where the leader had the authority to do whatever Cheney wanted
By comparing the 9/11 terrorist attacks to the 1933 Reichstag fire, U.S. Rep. Keith Ellison [95] ran afoul of “Godwin’s Law,” which states that all civil discussion breaks down the instant Hitler is invoked. Ellison said, “After the Reichstag was burned ... it put the leader of that country in a position where he could basically have authority to do whatever he wanted.”
Because journalism makes history breathe … and to prevent confusion among female readers
To illustrate a story about U.S. Senator Larry Craig’s “wide stance” [96] incident at the Minneapolis/St. Paul airport, the Star Tribune ran a front-page, above-the-fold photo of toilet stalls at the airport.
But can we get the Tax Bill in sonnet form?
DFL Rep. Phyllis Kahn’s bill [97] to install a state poet laureate was written entirely in rhyming couplets by a creative House Research employee. A choice excerpt: "The poet will bve free to write rhyming lines/With removal only for cause/But we trust that the bard will promptly resign/If the verse reads as badly as laws."
Shit, man, that’s medieval
Marty “Mr. GOP” Seifert decided that his new role as House minority leader meant finding every possible way to rip Democrats and paint his party as a maligned underdog. In a March 5 press release [98] he said, “With the Democrats in control, Minnesotans will be literally [emphasis ours] nickel-and-dimed to death.”
As a compromise, the City Council members offered to wear fezzes and drive around town in funny little cars
A resolution [99] to ban circus animals in the city was barely defeated in a September Minneapolis City Council meeting.
Tackling the meat-and-potatoes issues
A small sampling of legislative proposals that helped tie up committee work this session:
- DFL Rep. Erin Murphy proposed [100] fining businesses $50 for not letting a customer use their private restroom in the event of, well, emergency.
- DFL Senator Satveer Chaudhary told the Associated Press that a bill requiring foreign call centers to transfer Minnesota consumers back to the company’s equivalent U.S.-based call center—only after letting the callers grill the foreign operators—was an “OK to be angry” bill [101].
- Several House Republicans co-sponsored a bill [102] that would have canceled all legislative sessions in even years.
One little bridge falls and everyone gets so upset
While being quizzed by the Star Tribune editorial board after the 35W bridge disaster, Carol Molnau [103], lieutenant governor and transportation commissioner, told them, “We’ve done some things right.”
Maybe it wasn’t Rome burning, but still ...
Sonia Pitt, now-former director of MnDOT’ [104]s Office of Homeland Security and Emergency Management, was in Boston when the I-35W bridge fell. Two days later, she hopped on a plane to Washington, D.C., where she spent nearly two weeks racking up hundreds of cell phone minutes chatting with a male “friend” at the Federal Highway Administration. She finally made it home in mid-August. A subsequent investigation [105] revealed that she had no work-related reason to be in D.C., and had spent $26,000 in taxpayer dollars on her cell phone liaison, traveling to a host of conferences conspicuously close to her liaison’s office, and getting paid full wages for the trips.
Just another good government cover-up gone terribly, terribly wrong
When Minnesota Commissioner of Health Dianne Mandernach learned last year that thirty-five Iron Range miners had died from lung cancer related to asbestos exposure, she did what any reasonable government official would do: She ordered her department to study the matter [106]—in secret. A Department of Health informational pamphlet released under Mandernach that was not kept secret claimed to find a link between abortion and breast cancer.
EMBARRASS, MINNESOTA
Back in 2006, many of us cringed to think what Michele Bachmann [107] would do if elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. She delivered on our expectations, and then some.
Isn’t it some kind of crime to grope the President?
In a virtual replay of President Bush’s impromptu back rub [108]of German Chancellor Angela Merkel, the honorable congresswoman from Minnesota grabbed the president’s shoulder after his 2007 State of the Union speech and wouldn’t let go until she got a kiss [109]. (By the way, Bachmann, Crystal Gayle called—she wants her wardrobe back.)
IMF to Bachmann: If you are caught, the secretary will disavow all knowledge of your actions
In February, Bachmann boasted that she knew of a secret plan [110]by which Iran would take over half of neighboring Iraq and use the land to train terrorists to attack the United States. By the way, Googling “Michele Bachmann” and “bat-shit crazy” returns over twenty-one-thousand results [111].
Oberstar to Bachmann: As chairman of the Transportation Committee, I can assure you we already thought of that
In November, three months after the 35W bridge collapse, Bachmann introduced her own bill [112]in Congress to fund rebuilding the bridge.
PEOPLE
He never would have caught me if I hadn’t broken a heel
In June, [113] a forty-three-year-old man and his companion—a twenty-year-old male in a skirt, heels, and wig—had a five-hour, multi-course dinner at Temple Restaurant and Bar [114]. After topping it off with snifters of the exceedingly expensive Louis XIII Rémy Martin cognac, which prompted Temple owner Thom Pham to visit their table, the couple walked out on their $410 bill. Three hours later, Pham walked into his other restaurant, Azia [115], and found the same couple dining on a full rack of lamb, among other dishes. He pulled up a chair and gave them two options: He would accept payment for the earlier dine-and-dash episode, or call the police. The couple attempted a third option: They got up and ran. Pham caught up with them and dragged them back to Azia, where cops were waiting.
Just wait ’til she downloads some hip-hop to her iPod
A concerned parent of a St. Louis Park High School student sought to have Mark Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn [116] banned for “so many usages of the same word,” referring, of course, to the “n-word,” which the parent—once a member of the Black Panthers—found offensive.
Sometimes nature’s even uglier than human nature
An eleven-year-old Long Prairie girl’s palomino horse was found dead [117], its eyes gouged out and numerous lacerations over its entire body. The family vet determined it was killed and mutilated in a “heinous and cruel” act. Two weeks later, the same vet “reassessed the case” and sheepishly admitted that the horse—which had a history of health problems—had died of natural causes and the wounds were the result of scavenging animals.
Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?
Chef Landon Schoenefeld [120], the man who brought “the best bar food ever” to the Bulldog [121] in Northeast Minneapolis, apparently doesn’t care for special orders. In March, a bartender tried to satisfy a customer request for salad dressing on the side, and Schoenefeld responded by spraying his co-worker with mustard.
Area man sets Civil Rights movement back several weeks
In late September, De’Andre June [122]awoke to find a cross burned in the lawn of his Anoka home, an apparent hate crime. Public sympathy dissolved the next day, however, when June was arrested for allegedly setting the blaze himself. According to the criminal complaint in the case, June hatched the plan while in the Anoka County jail two days before the incident, and was motivated by a desire to gain sympathy and money from neighbors and the media.
I was still mad that you like the Replacements
Thirty-two-year-old alt-country icon Ryan Adams [123] demonstrated remarkable graciousness to Minneapolitans yet again. In 2003, Adams gave a legendarily sour performance at First Avenue, in which he kvetched repeatedly about the sound system and even hated on hometown hero Paul Westerberg. Returning last September [124]to play at the State Theatre, he once more bitched repeatedly about the sound before walking off and refusing an encore. In response, fans stood on their chairs and booed.
If Tutu looked that good in a little black dress, we would have invited him long ago
The University of St. Thomas nixed [125]an on-campus speech by Archbishop Desmond Tutu because of Tutu’s criticism of Israel’s policies toward Palestine. Then, following a public outcry, it recanted and decided to let the Nobel Peace Prize laureate visit after all. Only Tutu wasn’t having it, because he wanted the university’s Peace and Justice Studies director, who lost her position for supporting Tutu, reinstated. [126] In related news, Ann Coulter [127], who spoke two years ago at St. Thomas, recently declared that all Jewish people should convert to Christianity.
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be Don Imus
Last spring, two Macalester students [128]outfitted themselves for a “politically incorrect” party, one as a Ku Klux Klan member and the other in blackface, sporting a noose. Then, last fall, three female St. Thomas students [129], all black, received threatening notes with racial slurs. Days later, six Hamline football players [130] showed up at a Halloween party in blackface, dressed as African tribesmen.
YouTube killed the cable access star
“Chocolate Rain,” [131]a repetitive mixture of sophomoric bedroom-recorded synths and asinine lyrics (Chocolate rain / Worse than swearing worse than calling names / Chocolate rain / Say it publicly and you’re insane), got four million viewers on YouTube, propelling its creator, twenty-five-year-old U of M grad student Tay Zonday, into the national spotlight. Zonday shunned record company offers, but in November, he released an elaborate, MTV-style music video, Cherry Chocolate Rain, [132] which showed the little man with bling, babes, and back-up from rapper Mista Johnson. [133] If the new video was all too ubiquitous—it got 200,000 views in its first eighteen hours—that was because it was also a not-so-subtle promotion for a new Dr. Pepper soda.
OUTSTATE HAPPENINGS
I swear, I thought they were rabid skunks!
In February, Robert Utech [134], the police chief of the small town of West Concord, near Rochester, was accused of shooting and killing cats with a rifle. West Concord Mayor Burton Boe defended Utech, saying it was not his personality to do such a thing. The criminal complaint tells a different story, stating that Utech allegedly told one person he shot the cats, “Because I hate them. ... I shoot them all the time.” That said, one West Concord resident argued Utech couldn’t have committed the atrocities because he’s such a bad shot.
They know how to market to tourists, no?The tiny northern Minnesota town of International Falls loved the moniker “Icebox of the Nation” so much that they copyrighted it. But they let it lapse, and the equally tiny Colorado town of Fraser requested it. It’s the latest move in a feud [135]between the frigid cities that dates back to the 1980s, when International Falls paid Fraser $2,000 for the official name.
We Went to the Boundary Waters and a Deliverance Cast Party Broke Out
Around midnight on August 7, police in Ely received a call from a family of frightened campers hiding in the woods around their Basswood Lake campsite. The father said drunken men were firing guns and fireworks and threatening to kill and/or rape them. Six men, ranging from sixteen to thirty-seven years old, were arrested [136] soon after and charged with a total of 79 counts—most of them felonies—ranging from consumption of alcohol by a minor to reckless discharge of firearms, to making terroristic threats.
Nice Try, But You Don’t Get a Day Off from Ditch-Digging That Easy
Workers in the city of Walker, digging at a site where the city planned to build a road, discovered [139]what they believed were stone tools some 14,000 years old, and halted the excavation. The find would have been the oldest evidence of humans in the state, until the state’s archaeologist stepped in and declared the “tools” nothing but very old rocks, noting that most of Minnesota was covered in glaciers at the time.
Police Chief Guilty of Reading Too Much Bret Easton Ellis
Northfield Police Chief Gary Smith called a news conference July 3 to declare that around two hundred and fifty Northfield high school students were spending up to eight hundred dollars a day shooting heroin. The town erupted after the initial story, which was followed by reports that students were looting local colleges for drug money. Bloggers speculated on Northfield’s bankrupt morality. Reporters covered every weepy human-interest angle. The Strib’s Katherine Kersten [140] blamed rap music videos. But nobody could verify the figures (or the lootings), and an embattled Smith soon took a leave of absence [141].
WEIRD WISCONSIN SPOTLIGHT
We know there’s plenty of weird news coming regularly from our neighbors to the east, but decided to skip surveying the entire state after discovering a perfect microcosm in and around Sheboygan [142].
When gallantry goes awry, dammit, it’s still gallantry
An Oconomowoc man [143], while relaxing after work one evening last February, heard what he thought were a woman’s cries for help in an upstairs apartment. The chivalrous citizen grabbed his cavalry sword, charged up the steps, and broke down the door, only to discover his neighbor watching porn. Unconvinced, he waved his thirty-nine-inch blade around and accused his neighbor of raping someone, until the police arrived.
What are the odds of that?
Jonathan Oyler Sr [144].’s boss dropped him off in April at a construction site in Cedar Grove, Wisconsin, which Oyler promptly abandoned for the slot machines at a Green Bay casino. There he ran into the Sheboygan county jail receptionist, which wouldn’t have been a problem if Oyler weren’t on work release from the Sheboygan county jail.
Luckily, the police dogs were trained to sniff out sewage-soaked perps
An 18-year-old Sheboygan woman drove her car into the city’s wastewater treatment plant in October, toppling a fence and slamming into a garage door. Even though she was drunk and had a concussion and a fractured leg, she had the good sense to hide in some trees.
A Case of Not Just Sitting Around Waiting for an Opportunity
A Sheboygan man [145] netted $200,000 in August by surreptitiously selling his employer’s website address, sofa.com, to another company. He then used the cash to finance luxury trips to Brazil and Canada with his new girlfriend, a Las Vegas stripper.
