I know I said yesterday that I was going to talk about my favorite books from 2007. I'll do that eventually, I suppose, although who really gives a rat's ass? Right now I'm all worked up about something else, so the book nonsense will just have to get shoved aside for the time being.
I'm not a guy who can easily mask his feelings, and I guess I more or less telegraphed where I'm coming from in that headline up there: along with virtually every one of my Rake colleagues, most of whom I don't personally know, I have a beef with Andrew Zimmern. And, yes, I know I said earlier that I had a bone to pick, but this being a discussion about food I feel excused in mixing my metaphors, if in fact that's what I'm doing, or did.
At any rate, what's my big problem with Zimmern? Where to begin, where to begin?
First of all, I suppose I should admit that I really don't know who the hell this Zimmern fellow is, and by that I mean I really don't know who the hell he is, just as, I'm sure, he doesn't know who the hell I am. I got wind of the recent dust-ups, however, and felt riled and curious enough to search Google images for a picture of the man. I always start there, if possible, because I have no problem at all judging a book by its cover, being as I am a firm believer in that old business about a picture being worth a thousand words (a phrase, incidentally, that was coined by my old colleague at City Pages, Dylan Hicks. Or perhaps it was Paul Demko). At any rate, I spent some time --way too much time, actually-- looking at photographs of a man alleged to be Zimmern and quickly concluded that a thousand words were something like 975 words too many; a couple dozen, I should think, would suffice.
From what I've seen I can definitely tell you that I don't like the cut of Zimmern's jib. I think he eats too much, and given that he apparently spends so much of his time eating, I also think it's fair to presume that he eats bugs...no, wait, he does, it seems, eat bugs, but what I meant to say was that it's fair to presume that he talks with his mouth full. I don't care for that.
I had to dig a little deeper to find out more about this Zimmern character, and mostly what I discovered was that --yes, just as I suspected-- he eats too much, and also eats almost entirely at places I've never heard of. I'm not a big fan of people who make a habit of eating at places I've never heard of, and then proceed to go on and on about how great those places are.
I'm guessing that Zimmern has never in his entire life spent a morning laying drywall and then, with dust all over his hands and under his fingernails, eaten the hell out of a Manwich and a can of Pringles. I'm also guessing that he's never spent a cold afternoon in the garage skinning muskrats and then driven his truck through the drive-up lane at Arby's and polished off the 5-for-$5.99 roast beef special all by his lonesome.
Maybe that's unfair. Maybe Zimmern has, in fact, laid drywall and eaten the hell out of a Manwich and a can of Pringles. Maybe he has skinned muskrats and gone to Arby's to gorge himself on beef. But I'll say this: if I'm correct in my suppositions --and I feel confident that I am-- then I'm also correct in saying that this is a man who doesn't know a diddly-damn thing about truly great food and the supreme pleasures and surprises of eating when you're flat-out hungry as shit.
Answer me these questions, Zimmern, you hot shot:
Have you ever eaten a pie from Beek's, King of Pizza?
Under the right circumstances (very, very hungry; very, very stoned and/or drunk; etc.) could you rave for hours about the wings at Shorty and Wag's?
Can you name, with appropriate enthusiasm, a favorite brand of canned chili?
Could you, do you honestly think, tackle the Tremendous Twelve at Perkins?
Have you ever been so fucking hungry that you've eaten a microwave hamburger from Super America and felt like you'd died and gone to heaven?
Might you, as I did this very evening, mix together cans of Progresso vegetable beef and beef barley soup and eat the whole damn pot while seated on the kitchen floor?
Have you ever spent hours driving along a freeway praying for the appearance of a Taco John's?
Do you agree that Tootsie Rolls and pretzels are often as not a perfectly suitable lunch?
If you answered no to even half of these questions, Zimmern, you're not only a piss-poor food critic, but you're also a pussy.
If I'm smart enough to understand that your post was a joke but not smart enough to figure out the proper sequence of the comments in your retarded comment threading system, does that make me more or less of a retard than the retards who didn't get that your post was a joke?
Mellie, you are crazy girl! Reminds me of some of our wild times in the Dells:)! Keep up the great work and we'll keep reading!!!
brad - you are so cool. can your next blog tell us how to be a real man, maybe instruct us how to hang drywall and eat a MANwich. i hope you recover from the fall.
Milwaukees Best....(snort).....real men drink Huber.
Does anyone recall and know where I can find that article written several years ago about anal-retentiveness in the Twin Cities? I'm a former TC resident who's just passing through and doing a little free-associating.
This article was absolutely ridiculous - I don't even know what the point was? It's just a rambling. Obviously people have been frustrated with Zimmern's blog, but do you realize it all started with your magazine (which by the way I normally like!)? - letting Mitch Omer ramble on for as long as he did was bad enough...we get it - he doesn't like Zimmern. But seriously, how could you not have forseen a retaliation from him?
Anyways, enough ramblings back and forth - - - give us something good to read. We don't care about your little spat!
Sincerely,
Someone who'd like some positive reading for a change
Funny stuff. Ha, Ha…let me add one more “ha” – HA!
Brad. Mmm.. even your name BBrr-add let me guess: 31-ish years old, 5 feet 11 inches tall, moderately attractive, finally growing out your beard, alternates between Sally’s and Byrant Lake Bowl on Friday nights to see a different variety of people where every girls’ a dick and every guy’s a pussy. Saturday nights are when Steve, Cory and Lisa come on over with carrying a six pack, chips and spicy, dare I say SPICY cheese Picante dip. But no, you’re going to impress them by making your famous canned Corn Beef Hash with Cub brand canned peas hot dish and shit you’ll even lick the spoon before you microwave the casserole. It’s so cool that while Lisa is laughing her head off, Cory takes a video shot on his phone planning to debut it on YouTube.
Fast forward eight years later, your first born child who you oddly enough name him Stinson is 10 months old, wear clothes made out of hemp, you demand that he will only eat organic under processed foods and never understand what those Golden Arches are at every other, other street corner until he’s 12 years old and will hopefully make a conscious decision not to contribute to the conglomerate food hoger.
Oh, I love how people like you bring the “ism” to Minnesotaism.
Honestly, was that supposed to be funny? Making fun of someone because they look like they eat too much is funny? Unimaginative if you ask me.
A favorite aphorism applies, I think, quite nicely to Mr. Zimmern's
oily venom: "Hollow things make a lote of noise."
Perhaps the hairless ovate gentleman is feeling empty from years away a real gas range, a buzzing kitchen ticket rail, and his ass on a plate in front of diners (and eaters). Fear does weird things to people.
Or, maybe his Rachel Ray-like, eye-rolling "Mmmmm!" after every morsel of wildebeest-fat-poached dung beetle is actually genuine - perhaps he's drunk the kool-aid and actually believes in his own effluvia. In that case, there may be no hope. We'll all just have to pray for him as we eat at the various devoted temples of wonderful food right here in flyover country: Alma, 112, LBV, Ngon, Little Szechuan, Fugaise, Tampopo, Heartland, Confluence, etc...
What I want to know is when the hair-pulling and jello wrestling is gonna start...lime jello, dontchaknow...
I was falling off the couch laughing reading this article. I am a person who eats food out of a can, sometimes eats at a chain joint AND frequents fine dining. But, I don't like AZ and other food critics on TV because I cannot stomach watching someone savor, describe and talk with their mouth full of food!
Awesome job Brad Zellar...you stirred the pot.
Hey Sarah,
It's a BLOG!!!!!
A forum for opinion - get that?
Hey Anonymous! "Have you people never heard of comedy?" WAS my opinion! Expressed as a rhetorical question! Got that?
Although your rantings are entertaining, and I'll admit, you're a relatively decent writer - you're all wrong about Andrew Zimmern.
I had the absolute pleasure and joy of working with Andrew on Fox-9 News Morning Show for 3 years.
In fact, I introduced him to Colleen Needles of Tremendous Productions who helped launch the TV career of this amazingly fascinating and immensely talented man/chef and king of all things cuisine.
Not only is he talented - did I mention he's also a contributor to several publications - he's one of the sharpest, wittiest and intelligent men I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
As for his story - had you REALLY researched his background, you would have learned that this incredibly inspirational man has a story to match.
Not only has he eaten the junk food you inquired of him, at one point he was homeless on the streets of New York eating out of garbage cans and scrapping left overs behind McDonalds, among other popular fast food joints that I'm sure you frequent.
So yes, I would venture to guess that at one point, Andrew would have considered your Manwich a delicacy.
If only we all had as much drive and determination to turn our lives around in such a manner - even to a lesser degree would be a feat.
Andrew Zimmern is a star that continues to rise - and few people, in my opinion, are as deserving.
Ok, so Robin Wolfram is Andrew Zimmern's wife then? Or just a stalker? I'm confused.
"If only we all had as much drive and determination to turn our lives around in such a manner"? I don't know what you're doing with your life, Robin, but it sounds like you fucking hate it. Sorry. Find that "drive and determination" to go out there and pull yourself up by those bootstraps...just like your hero.
Brad, when are you going to bring all this controversy to the likes of Guernica Magazine?
Keep up the good work.
People! Stop! My God, have you never heard of comedy?
Although your rantings are entertaining, and I'll admit, you're a relatively decent writer - you're all wrong about Andrew Zimmern.
I had the absolute pleasure and joy of working with Andrew on Fox-9 News Morning Show for 3 years.
In fact, I introduced him to Colleen Needles who helped launch the TV career of this amazingly fascinating and immensely talented man/chef and king of all things cuisine.
Not only is he talented - did I mention he's also a contributor to several publications, he's one of the sharpest, wittiest and intelligent men I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
As for his background - had you REALLY researched his story you would have learned that this amazingly inspirational man has a story to match.
Not only has he eaten the junk food you inquired of him, at one point he was homeless on the streets of New York eating out of garbage cans and scrapping left overs behind McDonalds among many other of your popular fast food joints. So yes, I would venture to guess that at one point, Andrew would have considered your Manwich a delicacy.
If only we all had as much drive and determination to turn our lives around in such a manner.
Andrew Zimmern is a star that continues to rise - and few people, in my opinion, are as deserving.
But has any one of you stood in a damp room and ingested the aerosolized brains of a hog? I thought not.
Dilettantes all!
Wow. Us Midwestern chefs aren't really known for the best food in the nation, and it's a tough market, so we usually make a living selling boring-ass three-pile plates and oversized steaks. I'm not a big fan of Zimmern, but wow...I hang drywall, sand hardwood floors and skin small animals (usually pheasants, not muskrats) but holy shit there is nothing good about a gas station burger or canned chili (read: dog food flavored for humans, a.k.a. cutter/canner grade meat). Pick a level: gourmet, gourmand, glutton or greedy-guts. I can only take this whole thing as tongue in cheek, but I see your point when I think about what sells well. No wonder you don't like what someone like Zimmern calls good food, you would eat the southern-facing end of a northbound skunk if your redneck ass was hungry enough, wouldn't you? I love BBQ and pho and even Hobo Soup. Hell, when I used to close down the bar I could slam down the whole Tex-Mex Burrito at the old Uptowner on Grand. This is food I love, but not really, really good food; that is, it isn't something to get excited about. Well, maybe the burrito was. Anyway, Pringles and frozen chow mein may appeal to the masses, but so does Wal-Mart, the Chevy Beretta and country music.
Were you paid to write this? Really? I mean, no, really?
I can't wait to read your rant about Diablo Cody. That's next Tuesday, right?
Until Zimmern eats an Irish baby, he is a pussy.
Apparently you missed the '07 mid-March episode. I'm pretty sure I saw him eat a little one with a sprinkle of paprika with a side of kraut on a boat to Whales.
Oh, God, the wings at Shorty & Wags, the wings. Have you ever noticed that sometimes there's deep-fried down--as in feathers, pal--still attached to that awesome, crispy skin? That oil, probably as old as the shit in my car, fries that down to a crisp, which catches the sauce perfectly, and scratches the throat goin' down. If that ain't heaven, I don't know what is.
That being said, there still isn't a fucking decent Coney Dog in town. And that's Coney, not Chili. On dogs with skins on, so they bark when you bite 'em. Get me to Nathan's on Woodward in Detroit...
Wow, another pointless cheap shot at AZ. Wonderful. When does the Rake plan to let their janitor take his turn at the wheel? I guess this story is the bus and everybody in the building gets a free ride, huh? Move on, find a new subject to go after. Most of these are to the point where you're making fools of yourselves as your so outside your area of expertise. Isn't it time for the legalize hemp issue soon? Outside of Britt's takes on hoops, you pretty much have to use drugs to find any of this useful.
Any writer who would take the tremendous 12 at Perkins over the beautiful grease pits of Mickey's Diner or Al's Breakfast clearly should stick to what they know. Hell (no pun intended, but that place too), you could have said Key's. There's one in every corner of town now and I guarantee you putting down an entire omelet at Key's is far more impressive than a tremendous 12. Your bragging about eating an entire T12 is akin to celebrating running a 200-yard dash. As Danny Barrerio would say, "We're happpppppppy for ya."
There's a reason Andrew is eating foods you don't know in places and restaurants you don't know.....it's because you made a decision not to. It's called being uneducated about food, uninterested in food, stubborn, afraid to take new risks, possibly unable to afford it as I guess the Rake doesn't have the financial resources of MSP mag, and as you say, A Pussy. Some of us do and appreciate it and enjoy reading someone else who does too.
In this case of sticking to what you know, it's make-believe fantasy land which I guess you call Fiction to make it seem like you aren't a total loser. I think the next game of Dungeons and Dragons is about to get underway. Make sure you don't lose your place.
Yes, I couldn't agree more. A test, that's the ticket. The Rake is for smart people only and we don't need any low-IQ fools here who don't understand subtle jabs and humor.
I think questions two through five should deal with math and finances. After all, we NEED to make sure readers of the Rake are familar with large numbers when reading how Melinda Jacobs is spending her trust fund. That's high-brow journalism and I'm sure the Star Tribune is quite jealous that CJ didn't get the scoop.
Let's review the record here a bit. The Atlas Grill (mentioned in Ann's list) is a well-known Irwin Jacobs haunt at lunchtime downtown. Hmmm, a restaurant, that is frequented regulary by a wealthy businessman, makes the best of list of a magazine which features a gossip column by his daughter, who is known for having no talent whatsoever outside of being locallly recognized for being rich. Imagine the IRONY in that. Or is it a conspiracy? Somebody call Don Shelby and the I-Team on the double.
Geez, I hope I passed the first question. Can I move on to reading the rest of the site now?
Ah, the issues when one types fast and doesn't check the work....My bad. The pleasure meeting is all mine.
My points and clarifications are these:
-If you read Mitch's letter, you'll see I too took AZ to task in a post for focusing only on the food aspect of Ann's list. There's much more to a dining experience than just food. I believe that's why AZ is a Restaurant Critic, not a food critic. However, he was also a professional chef in a past life. I think he probably knows what a dish is supposed to look and taste like.
-In regards to the financial aspects of dining out, I was referring to your checkbook. Rumor has it The Rake doesn't pay as well or have the financial resources of MSPmag, but perhaps we need to ask Brian Lambert as he has knowledge of both.
-I got the sense that you were piling on AZ a week after the battle took place. To put it in sports terms, you were the guy who jumps on top of the pile after the fumble. So to call AZ a pussy when you wait a week to write your article after Ann and Jeremy did the dirty work....... Kettle, meet Mr. Pot. And I notice that you didn't say that the nighttime janitor isn't going to write a AZ shot too. I'll eagarly await that post.
-Al's, Key's, and Mickey's turn out meals that contain more food (and more calories) than a T12 at Perkins. So when you talk about being "shit-ass hungry" and go to the T12 card, you're wasting your money. I was just trying to help you get the most bang out of your dining dollar while supporting something I believe in by supporting local restaurant owners. And since it always sounds like The Rake is the little engine that might compared to the mighty MSP Mag, I thought I'd help you conserve all the resources you could both personally and professionaly.
-I can say Yes to almost every question on your list at some point in my life except the Chili (make my own), the Taco Johns (I'll discuss below), and the Burger at SA. Does that mean I'm up next for Dara's City Pages gig as she's leaving? Is Taco John's even in business in this town anymore? I see Taco Bell's, but I wouldn't even know where to look for a Taco Johns. The only thing I enjoy from Taco Johns are the Feliz Navidad commercials every Christmas. Congrats on being able to find one in your neighborhood. Mitch Omer would assume you live in Anoka, No?
How easily the feathers are ruffled.
It's not who you know, it's who you blow.
Amazing how easily the fancypants high brows butts are hurt.
The T12 owns all on a hungover sunday with all the churchgoers.
Anonymous:
Very good poetry. Why do I get the feeling you could give me a five-minute speech on why Dale Jr. won't win Daytona this year.
Key's, Mickey's, and Al's..... I frequent those. If you call that fancypants and fine-dining.... Well, I'm sure the owners would be honored.
I don't think most people who choose to eat at independent, locally owned restaurants are always eating fine-dining. I eat burgers at the Nook and Matt's Bar. There's food from the far East on University that far exceeds LeeAnn Chin. The point was simply here was there's a philosophy behind the restaurants named and where some people choose to eat. AND not all independent restaurants require white tablecloths. Venture out from the Bermuda Armpit (Appleebee's, Friday's, and Chili's) and maybe you'll see.
Your comment serves simply to show your ignorance of what's available and your lack of depth regarding the subject. THAT'S what irritates people. If you had an opinion and could back it up with facts, we'd listen. Your opinion is similar to the Dick Cheney defense. I'm right and everybody else is worthless or stupid.
The only butt that's hurting right now is yours because you have your head stuck so far up it. At least I'll know what that popping sound is if I hear it.
Nascar is most redneck "sport" out there, and I am far from any of that. It's funny how worked up people get over such bullshit. Nothing was said about the above mentioned restaurants. The juicy at matts is great. The office dwelling creatures that lack any sense of humor and are so hung up on themselves need to realize there is more to life than just their own opinion. If it tastes good....great, eat it. Funny how such a general statement can spawn a princess to lash out with her tiara. The blog that started this is pure comedy. Nice work Zeller. Now I'm going to enjoy my manwich on the top of my scaffolding. The can of pringles fell off the top.
Not to crap in anybody's punch bowl here, but I'd like to hear what Spud Galligan thinks about the T12 when he visits the Mill City with the missus. Then I'll decide who's side I'm on.
The article is hysterical. Humor and irony taken way over the top by a good writer about a good chef, good food critic, a really funny man who has come up in the world from some really low spots. I don't care to see him eat another bug or grub, but, that's only my opinion. I think he doesn't like eating them either, but, it's entertainment for now and it's food related and it gets him to travel all over the world. In time he will be doing other things. Loosen up people, learn to smile and maybe even laugh. A local guy made good, celebrate it!!!!