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Inside our marriage, my wife has arranged a division of labor. She’s a (marital) union teamster when it comes to tasks that I can and cannot do. Specifically, there are jobs around the house that are “Daddy Jobs” and others that are “Mommy Jobs.” As the man of the Smith Family House, these are the roles I perform:

Pooper Scooper: Responsible for removing and cleaning anything in the house (including the yard, garage, and highly treacherous city alley) that is nasty, yucky, funky, stanky, or just plain gross. This often includes kid and animal poop, projectile vomit, dead rodents, and urine splashed across the bathroom like a Jackson Pollack painting.

Evel Knievel: Participating in daredevil stunts (in the name of the family) that can cause both physical and mental pain. Activities include going to IKEA on a Saturday, hosting a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese’s, shopping at Ridgedale mall two days before Christmas, and riding a bike harnessed with a child carrier around Lake Harriet on the first day of Spring.

The Fetcher: Must run out of the house or work to retrieve anything the wife needs. This includes retrieving food cravings (Punch Pizza, Steak salad from The Edina Grill, etc.), DVDs (the episode where Felicity cut off her hair, the original version of Pride and Prejudice with Colin Firth — NOT the other one — or the entire fifth season of The Wire, etc.), groceries, Holy Water, school supplies for the children, feminine hygiene products, sea salt, a plunger, pharmaceuticals, and Burt B’s blemish sticks.

Field Trip Coordinator: Includes taking the kid(s) out of the house for a substantial amount of time so that Mommy can get some peace and quiet. According to my wife, the instructions are simple: “I don’t care where you go or what you do. But do not come back home for two hours, or I will cut your balls off.” The Field Trip Coordinator is highly active immediately upon coming home from work and on weekends. Popular trips include the local park (where the Field Tripper conjugates with other Fathers, like buffalo at a watering hole), Target (it’s an oasis of distraction), the grocery store, the zoo, museums, and theme park restaurants where they serve food in fun shapes and fish swim in the walls. In doing his duties, The Field Trip Coordinator earns the dubious credit of being “the fun parent.”

The Bouncer: Must eject anything or anyone that annoys Mom. This includes tossing out bratty playmates, long haired beatniks going door-to-door for the Sierra Club, Grandpa who squeaks out rancid silent farts in the living room, the pesky rabbit who eats all the plants, and telemarketers. Duty also intales talking to asshole neighbors, such as the alcoholic around the corner who watches porno on a 75-inch projection TV with the blinds open.

The Reflector: Say these following statements to the wife and the house will run like a well-oiled machine: You have nice coloring. That outfit is very flattering. Your friends are really nice, but you definitely are the hottest. And... would a backrub help?