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In the lean years that will soon follow, survivors will look back upon December 19, 2007 with pain and sorrow in their haunted eyes — for this day marked the beginning of the end. The Seventh Seal will soon be open, for the passage of the first increase in CAFÉ standards in more than 30 years can be naught but a signal that the End Times are upon us.

Now, the "Energy Independence, Clean Air, and Climate Security Act of 2007" is fairly atypical for a piece of compromise legislation in that it actually accomplishes something. That is, something beyond giving the honorable representative from Alaska some pork to sustain him through long cold nights spent dreaming of the day when Josh Hartnett will save him from the vampires that so often stalk Yukon towns. And to be sure, Rep. Don Young, even the legendary Hartnett, whose superhuman charms kept the ravenous hunger of Scarlett Johansson sated for longer than any normal man could ever hope for, cannot save you from the pending apocalypse signaled by the passage of a bill that calls for increased fuel consumption standards in passenger cars and light trucks. By 2020, no longer will Hummers be able to tool along I-94, secure in their superior ability to carry Viagra users from one tarmac covered area to another whilst fueling their unholy internal combustion with the most beautiful virgins in the land. And believe me - virgins do not make for efficient combustion. No, in just 13 short years, assuming the sun does not suddenly collapse into a neutron star when our fearless leader puts pen to paper on an environmentally friendly piece of legislation, the average fuel economy of every automaker's fleet will be bumped to 35 miles per gallon.

 

Of course, if one were not paying attention, it might be difficult to understand why this seemingly positive change signals a pending holocaust. I, however, am uniquely qualified to read these dire portents. Allow me to break it down for all y'all. While the phenomenon of congressional leaders finally summoning the intestinal fortitude to turn down the 72 virgin party offered by automakers and oil-producing countries may induce some to think the Rapture is coming, I have a much more simple theory. The passage of this bill may signal the Four Horseman simply because most experts for the last 30 years believed a hermaphrodite would make a run for the presidency before any elected official would make changes to those standards. Turns out they were right. And for the first time since the energy crisis of the 70s, no filibusters were held in protest of this assault on America's big iron. No one listened to the feeble cries of American automakers screaming at the prospect of being forced to innovate, rather than offer U.S. consumers the chance to buy the umpteenth iteration of the Ford Taurus. To be fair, the Taurus does not burn virgins for fuel. But it won't get you in the back seat with one either. Of course, neither will most of today's greenest cars.

Which brings us back to the apocalypse - an apocalypse that saves us nearly three million barrels of oil a day in 2020 and takes care of nearly a quarter of the U.S.' greenhouse emissions targets. Even more astounding, and quite possibly referenced in the Book of Revelations, is the addition of the Clean Power Act of 2007 - requiring the EPA to issue reduction targets in emissions from various and sundry power plants. Not to mention the ultra nifty perk for Minnesota that will have farmers from Redwood Falls to Ely twitching with subsidy-inspired incontinence - required U.S. biofuel production of 36 billion gallons by 2022. That's a whole lot of corn - spelling millions upon millions of dollars for Minnesota farmers (which will get a virgin in the back seat of a Taurus).

Just don't expect to have long to enjoy it. Make your peace with your maker, horde foodstuffs, firearms, and neighborhood women, and convert your vehicle to run on vegetable oil, for today's CAFÉ standards mark the beginning of Ragnarok. The great fire giant Surtr will soon cross the Rainbow Bridge with his ravening hordes and cleanse the world of late model Fords, sparing only Priuses and other Al Gore approved means of transportation. Like I said a couple days ago - we're boned.