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While Minnesota has long touted its progressive credentials - enacting policies to help the nation's huddling masses, deifying a well-intentioned former school teacher, and allowing the irredeemably stupid to perform police work - California has followed the teachings of its favorite son and popped a cap in the state's aspirations to be the nation's Leftist Wingnut leader. And recent events have shown that no matter who is in control of the Minnesota legislature or occupies the governor's mansion, the title will always rest firmly and attractively in California's surgically enhanced décolletage.

Simply put, it wasn't enough for California liberals that the past year has involved defying the Bush administration's largely ineffective EPA, bizarre sign of the apocalypse-esque cooperation between Republicans and Democrats to expand health insurance coverage, and the judicially mandated legalization of same-sex marriage. No, the thrice damned Hollywood elite insists on rubbing organic Himalayan sea-salt in the wound by demonstrating that, not only is the state actually capable of passing its progressive policies, it's also the home of what was recently demonstrated to be the most profoundly inbred and mentally deficient religious right population ever to swill merlot in Napa Valley.

Whether their sad mental state is a result of abusive parents passing off lead paint chips as the latest flavor sensation by Pringles or simply a sign of the complete collapse of the Fresno and Burbank gene pools is immaterial. What's important is what has set these ape-like creatures capering and gibbering, and more importantly - lawyering up.

Yes, now that the California courts have ordered the right of marriage extended to the godless heathens otherwise known as homosexuals, thus ensuring the sacred marriage bed will soon be populated with donkeys, chickens, and the pestilential creature now known as Emma Bunton. However, the few conservatives who haven't run screaming from California in anticipation of a Biblical rain of hellfire and the death of their firstborn have come up with an answer to this attack on traditional lights-out missionary style Judeo-Christian gettin' it on - a constitutional amendment that will negate the thousands of legal marriages that have taken place since the judicial decision.

Make no mistake, this is a historic proposition. Should this amendment pass, it will be the first time in the history of these United States that a specific population has been singled out in any state, or even federal, constitution to strip them of an existing right. This is nothing less than writing bigotry into the California constitution, not to mention a profound failure to uphold the true values of our country. The wording of the proposition is similarly stark:

"Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry."

A straightforward, albeit bleak, description of the proposed amendment would seem to discharge the California attorney-general's obligation to voters. Not so, say the aforementioned capering and gibbering creatures and their lawyers. While in many cases, the truth will set you free, in a situation such as this; the truth will result in you being accused of attempting to bias voters, triggering a lawsuit to change the language to something "less inflammatory."

Whether or not it's true that the attorney general's sympathies lie with the friends of the Housewives of Orange County, or if his attitudes are influenced by a potential gubernatorial run, it's largely immaterial. If a factual description of the amendment seems negative, then the proposition is, in all likelihood, negative. The goal is, after all, to invalidate the sanctity of a few thousand marriages, and deny the right to any other strapping gay lads and lassies who feel the nigh-irresistible urge to affirm their desire to forsake all other penises or vaginas under the auspices of God, Jesus H. Motherfucking Christ and the great state of California. And never mind the logistical nightmare that is trying to determine what to do with these now illegal marriages.

Sure, Bible-thumping conservatives throughout the nation, including the Star Tribune's own perm-wearing deep thinker, predict an epidemic of twisted relationships as a result of the perverted critical mass created by California homosexuals gaining the right to marry. And we have only just begun to see the bitter and brutal battle that's sure to ensure in California courts to change the wording of Proposition 8. By the end of this we'll have seen neighbor turn on gaybor, demonstrations in the streets that include far too much leather, and Holly Hobby finally having no choice but to turn her back on longtime friend Strawberry Shortcake and her alternative lifestyle.

But are not equal rights worth the final nail in the coffin for Minnesota's dreams of regaining its glory as the number one land of rainbows and progressive values, not to mention a spate of man/dolphin weddings?