All praise be to the cyclopean gods of old for finally bringing the nigh interminable local and national Democratic nomination process to a close. For while sentences involving Andy Rooney, sodomy and bestiality, not to mention flag lapel pins and innuendo involving sniper fire, roll comfortably off the tongue of B-grade actors on late-night Cinemax, they do not serve as a substitute for effective political discourse.

As a result, now that the maddening cacophony of berserk liberals has gone silent, however briefly, we must rush to place weightier issues on the table of public discourse. for not even the ancient eldritch power of the elder beings from out of time and space, combined with the cosmic might of Allah and Yahweh, will be able to hush the yowling dissonance that will ensue once the battle for the nation's soul between Republican and Democrat begins in earnest.

Donkey shows aside, the upcoming elections come at a time when a veritable shit-strewn minefield of problems is facing America's middle class. To be clear, these problems do not include:

  • Middle Eastern terrorists come to spread plague, rape our women and blow up landmarks while screaming the Xena battle cry to the heavens.
  • Godless foreigners come to spread plague, rape our women and steal our jobs whilst inflicting gastrointestinal discomfort on us all by introducing new foods to the American palate.
  • Compact fluorescent light bulbs come to spread plague, rape our women, and poison our children with trace amounts of mercury.
  • Homosexuals seeking same sex marriages come to spread plague, rape our men and trigger the long-feared rash of man/horse romantic entanglements.

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What these problems do include is rising food costs, skyrocketing energy prices, tightening credit markets, miniscule raises, and falling home values, all adding up to an increasingly brutal struggle to stay afloat. In fact, between the first quarter of 2000 and the first quarter of 2008, after adjusting for inflation, wages for the middle class have essentially stagnated — increasing only .6 percent. And since the start of this year, wages have actually fallen behind inflation. Of course, that should come as no surprise - drivers throughout the country have found themselves spread-eagled at the pump, caught in the caustic grip of high-octane fossil fuels and whispering "I wish I could quit you" whilst sadly caressing the pump handle.

So has this to do with the upcoming election? Everything, of course. America's strong middle class is constantly cited as the primary reason for our country's profoundly powerful and stable economy. They are the yellow sun to the United States' Superman. The Astro Glide to the country's Jenna Jameson. The Blackwater to its Iraq security policy. Unfortunately for the middle class, most members of that demographic lack super strength, do not get to aid in the profligate banging of porn stars, and don't possess the fully automatic weapons necessary to enforce real change. And with the illusory gains of the last few years almost completely wiped away, America's middle class is under threat of extinction.

On the campaign trail, our candidates for the Senate, the Oval Office, and every other elected office in the land put forth ideas for healthcare reform, bringing the troops home and winning the War on Terror. However, in their desperate hunt for sound bites and applause lines they're missing the true scope of the problem. The economy has grown dramatically for the last six years, but that growth has largely left everyone but the wealthy behind. As a result, the middle class is becoming an even more narrow slice of the population, a trend that has accelerated and become ever more visible since the housing bubble burst. And as that slice shrinks, the country loses ground to its global competition.

This lost ground means fewer students can afford college, thereby limiting the qualified workforce in the country. Our buying power suffers, forcing other countries to replace us with more valuable trading partners. Crime rates rise and neighborhoods become blighted toothless creatures, with boarded-up gaping wounds where families once dwelled and half-staved children roving through Longfellow, Kenwood and Linden Hills like a biblical swarm of feral locusts devouring all in sight and ruling their new Lord of the Flies kingdom with brutal efficiency.

So while Democrats cheer on a message of change and Republicans bask in McCain's Zen-like balance of maverick reputation and stay-the-course policy, neither side offers a full-blown strategy for heading off the impending class wars. And if this problem isn't addressed, the rise of micro-nations within once peaceful neighborhoods will only be the beginning. The Chinese, no longer content with their near-monopoly on American lunch buffets, will buy up real estate at fire sale prices, satisfying the Communist nation's long-held fascination with robot superweapons by collaborating with the Japanese to use the newly acquired land as a testing ground for an army of giant robot pandas. If this horrific future comes to pass, not only will America become a former superpower, but no one's lucky bamboo will be safe from the predations of these nuclear-powered Socialist creatures of mass destruction.