While terrorists plotting to obliterate the Xcel Center in a fertilizer-scented blast of hellfire would seem to be the larger cause for concern among the various agencies responsible for security around the RNC, the Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the Sacramento Intelligence unit, is bringing its "A" game. In other words, it's examining all threats, no matter how unlikely.

Saint Paul's own plans for dealing with malcontents, such as corralling protesters in bamboo cages, a strategy code-named "The John McCain experience," are already well known. But even as Ramsey County invests in tasers and autonomous independently targeting turrets, they can likely find other useful tools by digging in the Department of Homeland security's arsenal. In fact, at a recent counterterrorism conference, a book of slang terms (PDF), coined by a variety of street gangs, white supremacist groups, a variety of ethnicities, and, strangely enough, the judiciary, was circulated to help officers of the peace better understand those who would do harm to their innocent charges.

While the primary threat to the RNC remains terrorism and unwashed hippies swaying in unison during group sit-ins and marches, the possibility of the Latin Kings, Mandingo Warriors, or Minnesota Court of Appeals judges growing militantly political and staging an assault on the Xcel can't be discounted. And, failing that, it's unlikely the various gangs have forgotten how much money they once made in the mid-80s selling various powders to rabidly capitalistic Republicans frothing at the mouth for junk bonds and snorting coke off Jennifer Beals' taut buttocks.

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This bible of colloquialisms, ripe with charming observations about the nature of feminism, social commentary and keen insight on the seven habits of highly effective prison bitches, will act as security forces' guardo camino, enabling them to protect the right-leaning stalwart souls come from all four corners of our great country to assemble and safely rejoice in a decision that was made half a year ago.

We at the Defenestrator, however, want to ensure all can identify the malcontents in the crowd sure to lay siege to the House that Norm Coleman Built. Empowering the citizenry with such insider knowledge will help ensure our safety and deter the criminals who will surely seek to disrupt this shining example of the democratic process. While the full list of terms is linked above, examples of terms you may hear from the hardened criminals in the streets and our judicial system are listed below.

  • BEEF STEAK.....(Rap).....Refers to the penis.
  • NINJA TURTLES.....(Prison).....A team of Officers dressed in riot gear in preparation to quell a riot, or to conduct a forced removal of an offender. The term is derived from the fact that the Officers resemble the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle (Cartoon Characters) in this gear.
  • BEES KNEE's.....(Latin Kings).....An extraordinary person, thing, idea, The ultimate
  • BOOYAH.....(Street).....Word used to simulate the report of a shotgun
  • CHARGE OF THE GODDESS.....(Occult).....Originally written by Doreen Valiente, the charge gives the story of the message of the Goddess and her children. The High Priestess often recites the charge at the full moon Esbat.
  • HORSE FEATHERS.....(Latin Kings).....A term for nonsense; lies (Same as applesauce, banana oil)

So what have we learned from this sampling of the nomenclature of America's most dire threats to peace and order? We've learned that:

  • criminals have an appreciation for early 90s action figures,
  • Wiccans are a danger to national security,
  • judging by their slang, the Latin Kings are a roving band of malicious octogenarians,
  • and the Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the Sacramento Intelligence unit, could've saved a great deal of money by skipping this exercise altogether and making use of Urban Dictionary.

Of course, if you have favorites I didn't mention here, take a look in the book and mention them in the comments below.