Generally, "ations" are regarded as good things. Propagation, masturbation, fornication, copulation, lubrication - all activities mankind finds to be worthy efforts. However words containing this benevolent suffix are have recently been besmirched by the smear campaign being waged against one of their brethren. And with oil prices rising like Dirk Diggler's imposing lightsaber, the war against speculation threatens to drag some of America's favorite pastimes down with it as casualties of this crusade.

WCCO's "Good Question" segment last night focused on the popular theory that speculators are responsible in large part for driving up the price of oil for downtrodden consumers everywhere. This has become a widely cited theory - its populist appeal a draw to many feeling the squeeze of higher gas prices. In essence, this theory lays blame for the high prices of oil squarely at the feet of the moneyed few - speculators being players in the futures markets who bet that the price of oil (or other commodities) will rise by buying up supplies via the market and selling them for a profit when the price rises.

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A short-term bubble caused by this rampant speculation is, of course, a much more appealing theory than a long term price spike fueled by basic supply and demand economics. The problem, however, is that most economists seem to agree that while speculators could be responsible for a small portion of the recent price hikes, but the majority is a strict question of bread and butter demand pressuring supplies like never before and tossing some serious consumer salad along the way.


Sadly, the speculator theory, in addition to dragging fellow "ations" through the effluent sewage and bile of global economics, is serving as a rallying cry for those advocating for new offshore oil drilling and opening other public lands to oil companies. The argument being that oil companies, being as fast acting as a Viagra and Red Bull cocktail, will start traipsing through newly opened oil fields like woodland fairies hell-bent on drinking morning dew off wildflowers and devouring the souls of newborn kittens - quickly tapping oil reserves and thus driving prices down by making speculation less lucrative due to increased supply.

However, that assumption only holds water if speculators are truly the wealthy despots enthusiastically buggering the gas-consuming public every time they turn around to unscrew the gas cap. And while they are indeed taking swims in Scrooge McDuck style money bins, they're merely responding to market forces - not creating them. And while statistical evidence of this is often hard to come by, there are indicators.

One such indicator is how long the price run up has been occurring. Oil prices have gone from $26/barrel to the current $137/barrel in the last seven years. And while correlation does not necessarily equal causation, reduced oil output from Iraq due to Middle Eastern adventurism combined with a nearly 100 percent increase in demand for oil from developing countries like China over the last seven years would seem to be a likely cause, especially when global output, unlike the Cousin It looking mother fuckers in My Morning Jacket, just ain't getting any higher. And since it takes a hell of a lot of resources to create a capitalist economy out of General Tso's chicken and corrupt Communist party officials, the demand will only rise.

In fact, according to the Energy Information Administration, worldwide energy use is going to continue rising - 50 percent overall in the next 25 years, 85 percent in developing countries. What's worse, these estimates are based on numbers a year old, prior to the recent run up in prices. Plus, with developments like India's Tata Motors' $2,000 Nano, more people than ever will have access to cars - spiking demand even higher. And not sexy Top Gun style spiking. We're talking Minneapolis Park & Recreation volleyball, with beer bellies flying as former college athletes attempt to relive their once glorious past.

In addition to pure demand, our own low interest rates, designed to stimulate economic activity and spur the economy to avoid recession, are a source of high gas prices. Low interest rates depress the value of the dollar, making it more expensive to buy oil on global markets.

The government is, unsurprisingly, talking about stepping in to regulate commodities markets. However, the proposed regulations would likely do little to push fuel prices down - especially since oil speculation is a global market. And they could even have a depressing effect on the U.S. economy as a source of tax dollars dries up.

There is a bright side, however. Transit use in metropolitan areas is up 15 percent. People are suddenly conscious of how much they drive and this crisis is starting to make people look again at living in the cities where they work, fueling a minor resurgence in home sales in some urban areas. This reduced demand will, eventually, depress prices, but hoping that speculators are the root cause of this decidedly painful gas bubble is akin to believing Olivia Munn will fall for your geeky charm and closet full of Han Solo costumes. But then, if you've convinced yourself of that, you're probably used to disappointment. And luckily, all those other "ation" words haven't bee ruined for you. Except maybe masturbation.