Every hero needs a sidekick. Tombstone had Hammerhead, Batman had Robin, Thundarr the Barbarian had Princess Ariel and Ookla, and Paris Hilton had everyone. Repeatedly. Now, in the twilight years of his life, John McCain yearns for the same sort of comforting companionship that comes from a bosom buddy who can double as an effective lackey in a pinch. And while recommendations for this coveted position have streamed in from the furthest corners of the United States and beyond, some say the baleful eye of the GOP's very own Methuselah has come to rest in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.
Several names are being bandied about as potential choices for McCain's VP/life insurance policy, however Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty has been near or at the top of every one. And why wouldn't he be? Our governor brings suburban good looks, boyish charm that has consistently delivered astronomical approval ratings despite nigh-constant legislative gridlock and the chance to gain an edge in a state that hasn't been in electoral play since Nixon in 1972. So what if he lacks a sense of humor and we all shift uncomfortably in our seats when he makes any sort of sexual reference? The fact remains that Gov. Pawlenty has known McCain for nearly 30 years and is rather well liked in the hallowed halls of GOP power brokers - giving pundits across the country a chance to look down their noses, shuffle papers, and expound endlessly on the subject, coming to the inevitable conclusion that Pawlenty is the man for the job.
And why am I different from those pundits? Well, I swear rather often, I'm more misanthropic, and I have a demonstrated appreciation for boobs.
So, while Gov. Timmy prepares to veto the recently passed education bill, which he warned the legislature not to if they ever wanted to see their precious Central Corridor, ever again, the unrelenting discussion spews forth from cable news networks and online media whenever there's a break in the unspeakable clusterfuck that is the contest between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Who will be McCain's running mate? The Washington Post was so desperate for news this past Sunday that they even wrote a top five list of potential candidates. Of course, since no one really has much clue what sort of decisions Sen. Senility hath wrought, some of the candidates listed for the position of Senate tiebreaker and chief presidential bootlicker stretched the bounds of plausibility and entered the realm of OMGWTFLOLBBQ.
Take #5 for example - Mitt Romney. Not only was he exposed during his campaign for the presidency as an overly-ambitious, ego-driven lackwit, but this political chameleon with more hair gel than neurons has one central roadblock preventing him from merrily prancing down the road to sipping kiddie cocktails at McCain's side in the White House (aside from that whole general election thing) - Johnny despises him. Loathes him with the heat of 1,000 suns, even. And since Mr. McCain already likely feels the encroaching doom of his mortality quite keenly, he's not likely looking to give Romney a job that's but one ninja throwing star away from the presidency.
In any case, if Pawlenty does get the nod as the presidential sidekick, the bigger question is whether he'd accept the unflattering spandex outfit and wacky catchphrases that are often the job's sad requirement. And why would he? For the last two legislative sessions he's made the DFL dance to his machinations, and in just a few more years he may be able to run for the presidency against Barack Obama. A few more years, and a possible withdrawal from Iraq, would do wonders to further divorce him from the Bush legacy - which is, without a doubt, the 250lb transvestite hooker with questionable immigration status pounds on the door of virtually every GOP campaign event, demanding the money for last night.
And if Pawlenty doesn't accept, it'd be quite sad for McCain's Straight Talk Express. Tears would flow as the campaign staffers realize that Minnesota's desperation for recognition on a national level - the same desperation that leads the state to lay claim to celebrities with tenuous Minnesota ties at best - won't work in their favor this election cycle.
But really, who are we kidding? How often does the office of the vice presidency get offered to a man? Here we have a savvy politician with ambition and a hunger to reduce Democrats to groveling and simpering lumps of flesh, fighting for scraps from the very government they should be controlling. Would he say no to his Great American Hero? Would he defy the call to arms? Could he resist the siren song of this real life Captain America, forswearing the clinging spandex and short shorts of the sidekick, possibly forever? Could he resist the temptation of vice presidential booty calls given that Mary has denied him her womanly charms for so long, so very long?
I say thee nay.