As snowbirds throughout the southern half of the country point and laugh maniacally at the spawn they left behind in this wintry hell known as Minnesota, we turn our attention to warmer climes. No, not Eldorado, Texas, where, until recently, polygamy was alive and far too pug fucking ugly and insecure to land anything but a harem full of nigh-prepubescent brides. Nor France, where President Nicolas Sarkozy enjoys the $91,000 view every morning on his way to do battle with pirates.
No, the warmer climes in question are those of the promised land. While Iraqi insurgents and terrorist groups are promising upstarts in the world of suicide vests and improvised explosives, Hamas - the original jihadists - throw 72 virgin parties like no others. What's more, the promise of such a party is quickly becoming the gold standard for sex ed in Gaza schools, where Hamas has complete control of public services - including the education system. While elsewhere in the Palestinian territories, as well as other countries in the Muslim world, children get an education grounded in science, math, and reading, kids in Gaza get the extremist full-court press.
So this Happy Fun Friday, gentle reader, I bring you the virtual experience of a Gaza schoolboy, happily practicing suicide runs and being indoctrinated in the nonsensical ways of the martyr whilst Israeli attack choppers hover overhead and ground forces "engage targets of opportunity". But best of all kids, race home to beat curfew, pour yourself a big bowl of cereal and plant yourself on the couch to Tomorrow's Pioneers - award-winning Hamas programming that teaches children the beauty of martyrdom. When Elmo blew himself up for the glory of Allah I was moved to tears.
Of course, I'm sure when these kids grow up, they'll see that the Western world actually wants nothing but the best for them and won't remember anything the Dane devouring bunny taught them. But hell, the Israelis are embedding psychotropic drugs in latkes to ensure their children grow up to be killing machines, so fair is fair.