For those of you lulled into complacency by auspicious recent events such as Britney's brief flirtation with lucidity, it's important to note that, not only is the entertainment industry still pumping out fucking loons at a heretofore unheard of pace, but our politicians are providing ample evidence of a world view so profoundly divorced from reality that it's likely only a matter of a few short days until Gov. Pawlenty declares "Blame it on the Rain" our state song and Speaker of the House Margaret Kelliher declares her undying love for Michelle Bachmann's fabulously taut ass. In other words, take heed, Minnesota denizens, for the Oh Shit meter has gone from a subdued puce to an alarming ochre.
And what has triggered these dire portents? What could possibly be serving as the harbinger for yet another pending apocalypse? The answer is disarmingly, deceptively simple - nothing more, or less, than the overwhelming demonstration of the profound stupidity endemic to all levels of our representative democracy.
These portents have appeared at a furious pace as of late. John McCain's assertion that Purim is the Jewish Halloween, thus disappointing a highly influential voting block as they continue a hallowed tradition of offering a big "Fuck you" to yet another culture that tried to annihilate them, was only the beginning. And Dick Cheney's apparent pleasure at providing a big "Fuck you" to the American public as polls indicated two-thirds of Americans disapprove of the war in Iraq was just a cherry on top of the mountain of asshattery displayed whilst our policy-makers grandstand and pontificate on how best to take advantage of the economic reaming the average American feels they are about to receive.
To address the assembled citizenry's fervent desire for fiscal lubricants to ease the anticipated pain, Obama and Clinton have released their economic stimulus and oversight plans. McCain, of course, is standing pat, toeing the GOP line as he has for the last few years and stating that the check going out to taxpayers in May, not to mention the tax breaks for businesses that will surely convince them to invest in added infrastructure while consumers aren't buying anything, is plenty to arouse the economy and stimulate a good old-fashioned consumer orgy.
What baffles me, however, is that the plans put forth by these august candidates are, for the most part, predicated on becoming president despite all three having plenty of legislative power. And since statistically, recessions are generally over within a year to a year and a half, meaning any fiscal policy levied after scoring the presidency won't take effect until January of 2009. Much like downing the morning after pill nine months after the condom breaks, that's long after it could possibly do any good.
Then you might think to yourself, "At least our local legislators, staunch realists like Marty Seifert and the Iron Range's Tom "The Sex Hog" Saxhaug, are carefully balancing Minnesotan needs against the harsh reality of the budget deficit threatening our government services and benefits". If you were harboring such thoughts, you may want to relieve yourself of them via repeated blows to the cranium with a blunt object, since you'd be laughably wrong. To address the state's approximately $1 billion deficit, GOP legislators offered a program of cuts to higher education, dips into the state's rainy day fund, and bizarrely, a token tax cut to make Minnesotans feel better about the panty raid Gov. Pawlenty proposed on the state's health care access fund and budget reserves. DFLers universally derided the deficit fix, calling the proposal shortsighted and damaging. House Majority Leader Tony Sertich went so far as to say, "Everyone knows people from Eagan are twats. And Tim Pawlenty is a twat among twats. The alpha and the omega of twats, if you will."
One might imagine the DFL, after such an ideological salvo, would come back with a solution to the state's budget woes. A solution that would salvage programs to salve the economic doldrums afflicting our state's citizens whilst securing Minnesota's solvency for the biennium and beyond. Sadly, it seems we'll sooner see Michelle Bachmann in an Amsterdam donkey show than have a budget proposal that actually addresses the real issues facing the state. The budget that the DFL's greatest financial minds came back with dips even further into the rainy day fund. And while the $23 million in extra education spending is nice, the proposal doesn't provide any details on the program cuts necessary to cover that spending. Nor did they make any attempt at ensuring solvency in the next biennium. Much like the Pawlenty administration and inflation, reality and the DFL have never quite meshed.
Frighteningly enough, the group we must look toward for fundamental change in our fiscal policy is the Bush administration. They've bailed out Bear Stearns despite outcry from left and right, thus avoiding a repeat of the market crash that triggered the Great Depression. And we've already seen some small changes - allowing the Federal Reserve and treasury some additional oversight of investment houses and mortgage originators. But more meaningful changes, changes that will allow the hand of government to wrap itself around the balls of America's financial system and give a great tug when necessary are not yet forthcoming. Can an administration that has spent the vast majority of its time in Washington on a ranch in Crawford, TX or up its own ass aggressively move to create meaningful legislation? Can a man whose sole method of reassuring the public that the economy is in good hands consists of letting us all know the government worked over the weekend actually trigger substantive change?
Yeah, I know. We're fucked. But I, for one, welcome our new Chinese overlords, and will enjoy receiving the benevolent treatment afforded all China's provinces.