The Rake Magazine

Today marks the beginning of a new dark age for Minnesota. It is a time of injustice. A time in which brother turns on brother and LOLcats replace poetry and prose as the high art of the day.  Should the scales not be balanced in short order, the post-industrial wasteland depicted in the upcoming remake of Death Race may replace our bucolic Midwestern paradise.
 

I speak, of course, of the pending cuts to the state's public safety budget that took effect today. To make the fuzzy math of state government budgets work, nearly $5 million was trimmed from the district courts and public defense board. When you're looking at the looming specter of a $1 billion deficit, this seems like peanuts. A torrid night with Tara Reid would cost more, and at first glance, the long term ramifications seem far more dire. However, these cuts translate into a nightmarish reality that is far more frightening than even the desiccated visage of Cyndi Brucato, who, like Lord Voldemort, must feed nightly on the blood of unicorns and virgins to maintain her horrific unlife.

I speak, of course, of the already overworked and understaffed courts. The average public defender currently operates under a caseload of between 70 and 130 cases. The budget cuts that went into effect today bring with them a reduction of 72 more positions - all attorneys. These cuts come as a combination of attrition and layoffs, some of which have already happened. And increasing the caseload further does not bode well for Minnesota's justice system.

Of course, the average Minnesotan might not believe these cuts will have any effect on their life. Content to continue on in their prosaic daily routine, these citizens are blithely unaware of the danger this situation poses. Most law-abiding people assume that, as long as they violate no statutes laid down by the duly elected authorities and follow the directions of the friendly Taser-wielding officers of the law, the pending failure of our courts of law will have no bearing on them. They are sadly mistaken.

Not only will court dates take significantly longer to come by, since public defenders' will be stretched to their limits, but the quality of representation will likely fall almost as fast as Verne Troyer's romantic appeal upon his "partner's" comment that he's "...hung like a 2'8" man". And because the accused will have less than ideal representation, many offenders who are actually guilty of the crimes they're accused of will walk free on appeal, or as a result of mistrials, or any other of a multitude of procedural problems. To say nothing of the ongoing pain of victims' just looking for justice and closure.

The ongoing need for closure, increased rate of convictions overturned on appeal and longer wait for criminals to go behind bars as their day in court gets pushed farther and farther out will create a culture of lawlessness. Vigilante bands desperate for justice will roam the mean streets of Minneapolis and Saint Paul. The recent trend toward smaller, more fuel efficient cars will suddenly be reversed as bulletproof glass, steel plate and 30 millimeter chainguns become the automotive accessories of choice. The highways will be battlefields as commuters jockey for position, desperate to make it to secured parking lots before scavengers claim their vehicles for scrap.

On the other hand, many will save ridiculous amounts of money by telecommuting - thus conserving gas and ammunition for weekly supply runs to Walmart.

Generally, "ations" are regarded as good things. Propagation, masturbation, fornication, copulation, lubrication - all activities mankind finds to be worthy efforts. However words containing this benevolent suffix are have recently been besmirched by the smear campaign being waged against one of their brethren. And with oil prices rising like Dirk Diggler's imposing lightsaber, the war against speculation threatens to drag some of America's favorite pastimes down with it as casualties of this crusade.

WCCO's "Good Question" segment last night focused on the popular theory that speculators are responsible in large part for driving up the price of oil for downtrodden consumers everywhere. This has become a widely cited theory - its populist appeal a draw to many feeling the squeeze of higher gas prices. In essence, this theory lays blame for the high prices of oil squarely at the feet of the moneyed few - speculators being players in the futures markets who bet that the price of oil (or other commodities) will rise by buying up supplies via the market and selling them for a profit when the price rises.

 

A short-term bubble caused by this rampant speculation is, of course, a much more appealing theory than a long term price spike fueled by basic supply and demand economics. The problem, however, is that most economists seem to agree that while speculators could be responsible for a small portion of the recent price hikes, but the majority is a strict question of bread and butter demand pressuring supplies like never before and tossing some serious consumer salad along the way.

Sadly, the speculator theory, in addition to dragging fellow "ations" through the effluent sewage and bile of global economics, is serving as a rallying cry for those advocating for new offshore oil drilling and opening other public lands to oil companies. The argument being that oil companies, being as fast acting as a Viagra and Red Bull cocktail, will start traipsing through newly opened oil fields like woodland fairies hell-bent on drinking morning dew off wildflowers and devouring the souls of newborn kittens - quickly tapping oil reserves and thus driving prices down by making speculation less lucrative due to increased supply.

However, that assumption only holds water if speculators are truly the wealthy despots enthusiastically buggering the gas-consuming public every time they turn around to unscrew the gas cap. And while they are indeed taking swims in Scrooge McDuck style money bins, they're merely responding to market forces - not creating them. And while statistical evidence of this is often hard to come by, there are indicators.

One such indicator is how long the price run up has been occurring. Oil prices have gone from $26/barrel to the current $137/barrel in the last seven years. And while correlation does not necessarily equal causation, reduced oil output from Iraq due to Middle Eastern adventurism combined with a nearly 100 percent increase in demand for oil from developing countries like China over the last seven years would seem to be a likely cause, especially when global output, unlike the Cousin It looking mother fuckers in My Morning Jacket, just ain't getting any higher. And since it takes a hell of a lot of resources to create a capitalist economy out of General Tso's chicken and corrupt Communist party officials, the demand will only rise.

In fact, according to the Energy Information Administration, worldwide energy use is going to continue rising - 50 percent overall in the next 25 years, 85 percent in developing countries. What's worse, these estimates are based on numbers a year old, prior to the recent run up in prices. Plus, with developments like India's Tata Motors' $2,000 Nano, more people than ever will have access to cars - spiking demand even higher. And not sexy Top Gun style spiking. We're talking Minneapolis Park & Recreation volleyball, with beer bellies flying as former college athletes attempt to relive their once glorious past.

In addition to pure demand, our own low interest rates, designed to stimulate economic activity and spur the economy to avoid recession, are a source of high gas prices. Low interest rates depress the value of the dollar, making it more expensive to buy oil on global markets.

The government is, unsurprisingly, talking about stepping in to regulate commodities markets. However, the proposed regulations would likely do little to push fuel prices down - especially since oil speculation is a global market. And they could even have a depressing effect on the U.S. economy as a source of tax dollars dries up.

There is a bright side, however. Transit use in metropolitan areas is up 15 percent. People are suddenly conscious of how much they drive and this crisis is starting to make people look again at living in the cities where they work, fueling a minor resurgence in home sales in some urban areas. This reduced demand will, eventually, depress prices, but hoping that speculators are the root cause of this decidedly painful gas bubble is akin to believing Olivia Munn will fall for your geeky charm and closet full of Han Solo costumes. But then, if you've convinced yourself of that, you're probably used to disappointment. And luckily, all those other "ation" words haven't bee ruined for you. Except maybe masturbation.

Sometimes catharsis doesn't come easily.

While Obama and McCain supporters moved on to the general election long ago, poll after poll right here in Minnesota shows a Democratic party still mightily divided. Whether it's DFLers undercutting Al Franken with comedy routines past, or voters threatening to stay home during the general election, the damage to the democratic process continues apace. And if you look further afield, the stark reality is that there are Americans considering bowing out of the democratic process, primarily due to the hate and vitriol aimed at the opposition during the nominating process. Essentially, they did indeed smell what The Rock was cookin', never mind that in this case The Rock stood to gain a great deal by shifting the blame for the travesty that was Be Cool and, like any political figure, shapes the truth to fit the circumstances.

Unfortunately, with much of the country moving on, there hasn't been time for anything resembling a catharsis. No mighty Yawp to clear the air. No scream, silent or otherwise, to purify the system and soul. Until now. Thanks to Chilean actor/comedian Felipe Avello, Hillary Clinton's supporters can purge the bile from their systems and reengage in the body politic as Avello's "La Pequena Hillary Clinton" says exactly what's on their minds.

And now, with that metaphorical primal scream out of the way, Democrats everywhere can join hands and work harder than ever to make the Tijuana-born dream of man-donkey marriage a reality.

With consumers on the receiving end of an 87-octane enema for the last few months, it's understandable that various politicians would be spewing forth bile-filled diatribes laying blame for the current situation squarely at the feet of the opposition. Democrats are accused of being so "unmoved by the plight of hard-working Americans, they are unwilling to do anything to alleviate the pain." Republicans, of course, are "in the pockets of oil companies" and just trying to help their cronies reap a windfall at the expense of honest, god-fearing, patriotic, SUV-driving Americans who want nothing more than to be left alone to mourn for the loss of American primacy in the penis wars.

Yesterday our Fearless Leader called for Congress to allow drilling in coastal waters that oil companies are currently barred from exploring. To oil companies, America is like the girlfriend who considers the back door off-limits. To the callous and crass frat boys of our petroleum producers, any hole that may offer a payoff is one worth exploring – thus setting the stage for the battle between reduced gas prices and social benefits like stable ecosystems and unpolluted water.

Of course, that's a false dichotomy.

Given that there are 68 million acres of land that are, as of yet, unexplored and undeveloped by oil companies despite those lands being opened for drilling in within the last seven years, it's unlikely any oil would be pumped in from offshore rigs within the next decade. Not to mention the simple fact that the 2 million barrels of oil a day potentially drawn from those reserves would be the proverbial drop in the bucket by the time the crude starts a'flowin'. Bottom line – you'd be more likely to improve your economic position by filming your girlfriend playing Wii Fit in her underoos and parlaying that into a TRL appearance than by encouraging oil companies to go spelunking in coastal waters.

So ignoring the fact that Americans would be offering up their most pristine and unspoiled areas of wilderness in return for Jack and shit, in the end it's not a choice between reducing gas prices and preserving the environment. It's a question of wasting resources while we desperately grasp at a dying way of life. Even though we would prefer the approach taken by Luke Skywalker, fervently denying the truth as told by Lord Vader, when James Earl Jones speaks the cold hard facts, we must listen. And the truth is, there is more economic benefit to be found in dedicating the money oil companies might spend to alternative power research, whether in cellulose biofuels, allowing food to be produced for eating, not fuel, renewable sources like solar or wind power, or cold fusion – thus providing us with the damn flying cars we were promised oh so many years ago.

And since Minnesota leads in cellulose ethanol research and has a thriving wind-power industry, this approach would allow us to offer a big "fuck you" to the gulf states, several of which suck down tax dollars like a crack-starved Tyrone Biggums. And if there's anything a Republican respects, it's self-sufficiency.

While terrorists plotting to obliterate the Xcel Center in a fertilizer-scented blast of hellfire would seem to be the larger cause for concern among the various agencies responsible for security around the RNC, the Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the Sacramento Intelligence unit, is bringing its "A" game. In other words, it's examining all threats, no matter how unlikely.

Saint Paul's own plans for dealing with malcontents, such as corralling protesters in bamboo cages, a strategy code-named "The John McCain experience," are already well known. But even as Ramsey County invests in tasers and autonomous independently targeting turrets, they can likely find other useful tools by digging in the Department of Homeland security's arsenal. In fact, at a recent counterterrorism conference, a book of slang terms (PDF), coined by a variety of street gangs, white supremacist groups, a variety of ethnicities, and, strangely enough, the judiciary, was circulated to help officers of the peace better understand those who would do harm to their innocent charges.

While the primary threat to the RNC remains terrorism and unwashed hippies swaying in unison during group sit-ins and marches, the possibility of the Latin Kings, Mandingo Warriors, or Minnesota Court of Appeals judges growing militantly political and staging an assault on the Xcel can't be discounted. And, failing that, it's unlikely the various gangs have forgotten how much money they once made in the mid-80s selling various powders to rabidly capitalistic Republicans frothing at the mouth for junk bonds and snorting coke off Jennifer Beals' taut buttocks.

This bible of colloquialisms, ripe with charming observations about the nature of feminism, social commentary and keen insight on the seven habits of highly effective prison bitches, will act as security forces' guardo camino, enabling them to protect the right-leaning stalwart souls come from all four corners of our great country to assemble and safely rejoice in a decision that was made half a year ago.

We at the Defenestrator, however, want to ensure all can identify the malcontents in the crowd sure to lay siege to the House that Norm Coleman Built. Empowering the citizenry with such insider knowledge will help ensure our safety and deter the criminals who will surely seek to disrupt this shining example of the democratic process. While the full list of terms is linked above, examples of terms you may hear from the hardened criminals in the streets and our judicial system are listed below.

• BEEF STEAK.....(Rap).....Refers to the penis.

• NINJA TURTLES.....(Prison).....A team of Officers dressed in riot gear in preparation to quell a riot, or to conduct a forced removal of an offender. The term is derived from the fact that the Officers resemble the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle (Cartoon Characters) in this gear.
• BEES KNEE's.....(Latin Kings).....An extraordinary person, thing, idea, The ultimate
• BOOYAH.....(Street).....Word used to simulate the report of a shotgun
• CHARGE OF THE GODDESS.....(Occult).....Originally written by Doreen Valiente, the charge gives the story of the message of the Goddess and her children. The High Priestess often recites the charge at the full moon Esbat.
• HORSE FEATHERS.....(Latin Kings).....A term for nonsense; lies (Same as applesauce, banana oil)

So what have we learned from this sampling of the nomenclature of America's most dire threats to peace and order? We've learned that:

• criminals have an appreciation for early 90s action figures,
• Wiccans are a danger to national security,
• judging by their slang, the Latin Kings are a roving band of malicious octogenarians,
• and the Department of Homeland Security, in conjunction with Texas Security Threat Group officers, the California Department of Corrections and the Sacramento Intelligence unit, could've saved a great deal of money by skipping this exercise altogether and making use of Urban Dictionary.

Of course, if you have favorites I didn't mention here, take a look in the book and mention them in the comments below.