The Rake Magazine

I just got a $500+ bill in the mail for a basic teeth cleaning. I have dental insurance, and I just got a $500+ bill in the mail for a basic teeth cleaning. Yup...

Why exactly do I have dental insurance? Certainly if my teeth were crooked and I wanted to get them straightened, my insurance company would argue that it's purely for aesthetic purposes, hence unnecessary. Is it to protect me from the consequences of a good bashing? — probably self-inflicted after receiving their bill...

I lied about the basic cleaning.

It wasn't quite "basic." My dentist — or dental hygienist, as we no longer seem to be seen by an actual dentist — told me I needed a cleaning by quadrants. Apparently, at my age, two years is too long to wait between cleanings. I know. I know. But who has the time?

My mouth was in bad shape. True. So, of course, I didn't argue much when she said my mouth would have to be cleaned in stages. How many? Three. Four. We'd have to see.

Three or four cleanings sounded like a scam to me. I'm always looking for the scam. That's what happens when you've been a sucker for so long. We're all fargin' suckers.

Three or four cleanings means three or four visits. Three or four visits means three or four payments, means three or four claims to the insurance company, means three or four copays on my part. Am I even supposed to have a copay? They certainly don't care. I mean, explain to me how my partner and I — who have the same exact insurance — have two entirely different copays. Interesting.

Aha! I wasn't about to succumb to this scam. No. Not this time.

Certainly, my insurance only covers one cleaning a year — or every six months, as most. Certainly I'd end up having to pay an excess of $1000.

I was assured this was not the case. I was assured by my dentist — dental hygienist, of course. I was assured by the receptionist. I was assured by the billing clerk. I was not assured by my insurance company, of course.

I'm a trooper. (I am quite sure I have never said that about myself before.) I bypassed all pain killers and underwent the cleaning in only two phases. HooYeah!

Months later, with only a few weeks until my next dental cleaning, I have finally received a bill in excess of $500. Sa-weet.

I'll fight this one. I'll lose this one.. as I always do. And yet I cannot help but fight this one. I must fight this one. I'm right. But you see, I know darn well that "right" has nothing to do with it. How did this happen?

increase your dik size
penile enlargement

Clearly, the word has leaked out: I do not have a large penis. It's true. But do I really need to be reminded every day by numerous emails? The initial sting aside, it's quite touching (hands off, buddy!) to have countless strangers out there so terribly concerned about my sex life.

Every day I check my email at work only to be reminded of my apparent failure to fully exploit the fabulous art of sex — proving, once again, how rewarding work can truly be. It goes something like this:

i'd be scared too if my dick was that small http://www.icmbd.com/

Great! One more thing to fear. Now I really won't sleep (which means I'll probably stay up and write more inane posts).

M
Eager to spend this holiday season like never before?
Get ready for something particular on New Year!
A

Don't be scared to change your life-style!
I
Celebrate the New Year's day with a new bigger phallus!
Keep in mind all our special offers! Check the details now!

Reads rather like an E.E. Cummings poem, don't you think? Ok. He would have done away with the exclamation points.

Pen!s enlargement p!ll
MegaDik may give you a perfect idea!
Enlarge your male stick, and your New Year holidays will be hot and full of great s'e_x!

I'd like a job with the marketing firm that chose that name. Please.

Don't feel shy of your instrument size
All you have to do is just put to use our machine enlargement.
Your sexual life will change promptly.
http://www.carmsda.com

Machine enlagement: It stretches. It pulls. It twists and turns. And at the end of the day your cock will be seriously swollen and your sex life will indeed change. And, yes, you will indeed be fucked. (Excuse the vulgarity, but what can you expect from a post like this?)

You Dont please with your male organ size.
Women joke at you.
Now you can to solve this problem.
Try our male machine enlargemen:t and Chicks will love you sure enough.
I changed my sexual life. Now it is your turn.
http://tofinoinfo.com

Well, at least they're acknowledging that I'm a man.

The contemporary version of writing on the bathroom wall... You go, girl!

compliments criscordova
I had it five times last night thanks to \/i/\gra http://followoperate.com
Jake Cronin

Compliments? Shit, Martha had it eight times; I must be losing my touch.

Deep impressions are in store for you!
Experience the freedom of inching away! <http://hagitec.com/>

Inching away? How deep can you go in reverse? (Guess we should leave that one to vita.mn's sex columnist.)

deep penetration contributes to achieving an orgasm of Design Patterns http://www.tuffsched.com

Hmmm... I always thought sex and acid didn't quite mix, but I guess I was wrong.

oh yes, intercourse is alot better now
http://www.tuibgirl.com
a book, you want a book, you want

Now this I can relate to, but what man would understand?

This is one of my favorites, of course:

Yes, it's true: fake orgasms humilate. In fact, made up words often humilate, too.

Ok. Got to go. Got to check my email.

Police have released a suicide note written by the 19-year-old Omaha mall gun shooter:

"I've just snapped - I can't take this meaningless existence anymore. I've been a constant disappointment and that trend would have only continued."

I'm always suprised by people who have the foresight to put an explanation in writing even after they've snapped...

Sure, we have no fields left to plow. We're no longer building anything (beyond a facebook page or a new website). We're no longer working for anything tangible (hence we've stopped working at all). We're... content? Content in this disaster.

Most of us could have written this note, probably, which is the frightening part.

But who ever said existence has to have meaning?

"Man Opens Fire at Omaha Mall, Killing 8" — this is the way we express outrage now. No protests. No marches. No picket lines. No petitions. No vigils. No. Now we simply pull out the big guns.

"Gunman Kills 8 People, Then Himself at a Mall in Omaha" — this is the way we end it all now. No slit wrists. No bottles of pills. No cyanide. No smoking, of course. No. Now we take a few down with us.

It's time to go.

But first let's turn on that damning death box and have a good laugh over it at Comedy Central.