The Rake Magazine

It occured to me this morning that I must update my post "Bimbos, Himbos and Harleys" with new content and here is why:

While it is true that the DelSol, the VW rabbit convertible and the Corvette are charter members of the Bimbo & Himbo Hall of Fame, not many of you drive these things.

Unlike the Mini-Cooper.

Which raises the question: is this a car for bimbos and/or himbos? My answer is emphatically, unfortunately, yes. But only for the second-gen "new mini" model, not the first.

BMW has detuned the second generation Cooper to fit a demographic that is overwhelmignly female. These German Dunderheads equate this with the "more forgiving" characteristics of a "chick car."

I for one, have always believed that chicks live on farms and not the front seat of a Mini Cooper. That is why the women I know have shunned the second generation model.

Come to think of it, the only person I know who has purchased one is my Dad's loudmouth, Crocs-wearing and frequently swearing neighbor who seems to be going through some kind of mid-life crisis.

In other words, a himbo.

Of the very highest order.

The pen is so much mightier than the sword. It is the reason I blog. It gives me the chance to slay cultural transgressors, right wrongs, and become the change that I seek. (I did not say that; he did.)

Which is why I must weigh in on a critical culutral phenonmenon redolent with social implications at the onset of summer. (He writes his own speeches, they say.)

Soon you will be inundated by "summer rides" that have left their wintertime garages in places you'd best not venture (if you vote for him, that is). I write this to prepare your sensibilities for the most brazen display of bad taste this side of Branson, Missouri. For, soon, you shall witness a sinister trifecta of bimbos, himbos, Harleys, and their rides.

Here is what you will see.

The world's greatest bimbo cars are the Honda Del Sol and the VW Rabbit Convertible, followed by the Mercedes SLK and the BMW 3 series convertible. While Honda no longer makes the Del Sol or the Prelude (both Bimbo cars par excellence), they are to be credited with establishing the breed—along with the first VW Rabbit convertible.

The world's greatest himbo car is the Corvette (with the exception of the z06), followed by the BMW 3 Series and the Pontiac TransAm. Any Mercedes with spinners and 'Slade ESVs (only) also qualify.

Then there are the Harleys. I had a business partner (of sorts) that was way into Harleys to compensate for his lack of acumen in other areas of life (dude stole stuff from me.) Harley riders are NOT "BOs" unless they brazenly banish the use of helmets and juice their screaming eagle pipes to get noticed in front of, say, Southdale Mall.

Why I feel compelled to slay these automotive demons, I cannot say... It could be because I have my own eyes on a Miata.

And I won't go there just yet.

I have always wondered why certain cars remain off limits to men of a particular age.

What makes a Red Corvette more age-appropriate than a Mini Cooper? (Forgetting the conventional wisdom that posits the Corvette as "gold chain"—a sentiment unmasked as a simple prejudice with the Z06, a true American Beauty in red.)

Or, for that matter a Mazdaspeed 3? Or the brand-new Mercedes SLK?

While I am barely beyond a sophomoric mindset (seething, Kersten-kudoing hatred of video games notwithstanding including filthy games like Donkey Kong) I can appreciate certain rides for what they are. That is why I am currently fixated on a turbo VW bug in black.

This car has a lot of issues.

It is not the fastest 180 HP turbo on the market, its handling is a little spongy and it will choke and die on the dust of a Mazdaspeed 3.

It does pack one little asset however--the simple to chip 1.8 liter turbo. I have seen this chipped to a cool 250+HP without extensive modifications to the drivetrain or suspension. You can also take full advantage of the superb after-market upgrades that exist for VW/Audi and even Porsche vehicles.

Not that you, given your age and gender, would take advantage of a situation like this. Not with your misplaced longing for a Jag (not.) Not with this black bug possessing an equally black rag top (yes, its a convertible.)

What would this do to your rug?

(pictured: the AMG R-class Mercedes. 502HP, 0-60, 4.7 seconds. Meet the Mom who owns one--lives in Excelsior.)

Mother's Day manipulative?

Not for Road Rakes.

I have always found, for example, that Mimosas pair nicely with a late model Mercedes and/or Maserati. For this reason, you ought consider taking your mom car shopping. Women buy more cars than men anyway (a fact that seems lost on most dealers.)

May I suggest you sprint over to Sears in that Mercury you only think Mom likes and replace it with something a little more "Momma." The Maserati dealer is just down the street, and if you Mom is a real Foxy Brown then window shop the F-150 Crew Cab Harleys on the Ford lot close by. (Frontage road across the highway from Ridgedale.) 

I've clipped some pics of what the most important woman in your life really should be driving. She's probably already flagged these cars, so I'll help you avoid embarassment. Take a peek.

This is the new Benz on tap for 2010. If your Mother is German (as many Minnesota Moms may be), she'll love this little coupe.

This is post is to be continued...just saw my own Mom pull up in the Viggen (two new hips and she still drives a stick.)

These flowers look puny.

If you are going to review films, as my USC intern used to say, then start at the top. So here is my review of Iron Man.

Because Iron Man is more of a movie than a film, I am not sure what to say. Films engage you. Movies distract you.

To be honest, Iron Man may well be a film if it weren't for its one overarching distraction. I waited, as did others, for "the riff." The riff that could be the greatest in hard rock history (so some say). So why does John Farveau wait until the credits to hit us with Ozzy's opus?

Oh, and not to, like, totally spoil the fil, um, movie for you but there is one other distraction. Iron Man spends most of his time driving the same Audi R8 I covered in my "How Clinton Wrecked His Ferrari" post.

Iron Man keeps a full house of cars that are far better than the R8. Try a Saleen S7 -- 700 Hp and 750 lb. Or what is surely a replica 427 Cobra and something that looks like a bespoke British exotic (the Ascari perhaps...I'll place it soon).

You know, I really don't know what else to say. Jeff Bridges is bad (as in good) and Iron Man's suit is b-a-m-f-chillierthankatarinawitt.

I am distracted.

P.S. No, my blog picture (taken at the Akron OH public library) ain't Robert DJ, but then it's not Sabbath playing "duh, duh, duh, duh, duh" in the movie credits.

Duh-A-AH-um.