The Rake Magazine

I heard that Mike Huckabee is pals with Chuck Norris and that the "Huck and Chuck" show plays well in Iowa. Apparently the former preacher also takes alot of fitness breaks because he doesn't want to slip and fall on the black prairie ice.

And this guy is pals with Chuck?

That sucks.

I would like to suggest a few vehicles to spirit his formerly large rear end outside to spew a few more aphorisms to the faithful.

(Photo: Mike taking some time off on a treadmill. Notice the oh-mi-gawd paunch he has developed by indulging his passion for ding-dongs. I pray their human counterparts don't vote often.)

I've already blogged about the 2008 Suzuki XL-7. It might be a good choice for a surging, underfunded campaign.

He could also save some money with a stylish new 2008 Saturn Vue Green Line (the hottest new mid-sized SUV on the market).

I am also told my buddy Andy GG (of Pontiac Aztek fame) is unloading his beloved Lunar Rover on E-Bay.

With its over-the-top interior it's man enough for Chuck.

I can't speak for Huck.

P.S. And remember that "there is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures CN allows to live". This from chucknorrisisgod.com.

Seasons Greetings.

Schick got themselves into infernally hot water for this one. Apparently Turbo Terry has been sourcing her likeness out to more than one razor company and automotive resource.

The good news for The Road Rake is that Turbo Terry (indeed the honey on the lower right) is no longer capable of suing me for creating a verbally accurate picture of her likeness.

Schick, on the other hand, is about to be sued by Pontiac for essentially using the same model that is in discussions with Gillette to cross-promote the "smoothest handling on the planet."

What a mess. I detest the Pontiac product in all its forms and much prefer a low-priced Schick to the Mach III Turbo (the razor not the car). I also know for a fact that cross-dressing tends to be more successful than cross-promotions with this coveted demographic.

A stumble with stubble it seems.

I submit my good friend Andy Goldman Gray's thoughts on his beloved Aztek, supposedly penned while he was flying on Nyquil. He is VP Marketing at United Way, so contribute some of your thoughts (even money) in a professional capacity.

When has something so maligned caused such a devoted following as the fateful Pontiac Aztek? I was recently trying to describe to The Road Rake why I love my car, even though my wife gets crap about it when she borrows it to bring something big to work.

The 'bleeding edge," is a concept that Road Rake introduced me to this summer. So I guess I am just beginning to clot from my purchase of this fine piece of "American Ingenuity."

I had three main purchase requirements when I bought this car/truck/AMC Eagle on steroids: 1. Lots of buttons and gadgets, 2. Uncommon styling, 3. A second home in the event that my wife threw me out.

It turns out that this car was one of the first "lifestyle" SUVs. Unfortunately, it came packaged in a really, really ugly box. Sure, you can put your bike on top of a Nissan Xterra, but the Aztek has a bed and tent built right in. This is why so many of the Aztek's owners (secretly) champion their car. Car clubs, social networks, and local owners support groups have devoted a great deal of time to overturning this "worst car ever" tag.

Get past the "moon patrol" facade, and it's everything a man could love.

True story-- my wife got a fortune cookie at Chino Latino that said, "If people were cars, you'd be a little red Corvette, unfortunately your date would be a Pontiac Aztek." I think this was supposed to be sardonic, but I'm proud to be an Aztek owner.

And my wife still loves me. You bet my sweet Aztek she does.

Photo: He doesn't have the stomach for it, nor do I.

The recent article about Scientology reminds me of an ordeal my business endured last year (and it has a car angle).

I have created advertising for the National Western in Denver for the past three years. It is the world's largest stock show (800,000 attend). Our campaign has made the animals the "Rock Stars of the West." While we've had a few run-ins with PETA, we've had more trouble with the Scientologists.

It all started when one of our ads claimed that the horses of the Show would be "The Only Stars Not Converting to Scientology"

The Church thought otherwise. Lawsuits were threatened, the ad was pulled, and we got around a personal lashing from Tom Cruise only by agreeing to send the agency to a day of (unpaid) sensitivity training at their HQ in suburban Engelwood.

It was bad.

What made it truly unbearable was the insensitivty of their staff towards my beloved Mustang (real horses scare me, so I drove my car). While we were being walked out of their building to the parking lot, I was treated like Mephistopheles for worshipping such a gas guzzler.

Right.

I'd like to see their puny church choirs match my Cobra Kenny's awesome pipes.* While I am not sure their churches even have choirs, apparently some Scientologists have little sense of humor.

* I just sold my Cobra "Kenny," but his spirit has not left me. Especially not his heavenly custom-tuned Bassani exhaust.

I have a secret.

There is a vehicle that I have wanted to blog about for months. To be honest, if I came right out and told you the name of this vehicle you would laugh. It has no cred. So I've kept it quiet. Till today.

My recent foray into cross-dressing drag sites has given me new confidence about introducing this vehicle. Before I name the vehicle, allow me to tell you a little about the Japanese art form that has inspired its design.

This vehicle is inspired by Kabuki and Noh Theater (intrigued?). Samurais in the old days would play many parts in Kabuki Theater. This vehicle is no Samurai, but it makes a passable Kabuki actress--considering that all parts in Kabuki are played by men.

On that note, please meet the Suzuki XL 7. If you spot one of these rare vehicles on the road the overall effect is reasonably dramatic--all the more impressive considering that the SUV is a cousin to the milque toast Pontiac Torrent and Chevy Equinox.

If you look closely at the grille, you can see a Kabuki mask in there. Its enough to make you forget about the humble cheap motorcycle origins of this brand. Its almost enough to make you talk up this SUV at a cocktail party when you consider few SUVs are inspired by anything more than the need for pony-tailed blonde women to waste gas.

Its beauty goes more than skin deep, however. The Suzuki has been stretched to accomodate a third row seat (the only in its class.) It also features an excellent V6 engine with solid torque that is unique to the Suzuki. Finally, it offers a 10 year 100,000 mile warranty. All for about 23-24k. If you want the complete picture, I've linked it here.

On price alone, it embarasses many competitive SUVs.

On the other hand, this SUV is no Samurai. Dynamically it's on par with most trucks. I also would not want to be caught submerged in ice water or traveling naked over a freezing mountain pass in this truck (typical Samurai training regimens.) There's nothing manly about it.

If you keep an open mind however, this stylish Kabuki kart makes a impressive ride for anyone comfortable in their own automotive skin.