The Rake Magazine

Starting next week, I will begin to test drive various cars from Sears Automotive. I understand I can flog any car for as long as I wish and report back on it to you, our readers.

As you are all like me, I am sure you read English, Japanese, Finnish, Russian, American car magazines every month (I wrote once about how the underside of our conjugal bed at home is littered with about 200 plus magazines--some guys hide Playboys, I have a different habit.)

Well, as I was saying, because I am certain you read as many car magazines as I do, you know that there is a pretty common zeitgeist going round that says you can drive anything you want, as fast as you want, as long as kids are not in the car.

Kids and really fast cars do not mix. Right?

Pulease.

With this in mind, I intend to go gonzo with my boys, Frank and Joe, and invite them to test drive the finest and the fastest that Sears has to offer--then report our findings back to you. In doing so, I may just save all of you from that dreaded Minivan. The Road Rake will provide the ontology you need to avoid your fate.

(Ontology: loosely translated as the study of meaning and/or the imbuing of a concept with meaning. I think.)

P.S. I intend to drive the finest and fastest. This does not neccessarily mean we will drive fast. So get off my butt here.

This is just in--from Scarborough Research. For the uinitiated, this is the R&D group that Advertising Agencies use as the God's (...as we understand hewm..) Truth.

"This analysis demonstrates a very simple but compelling point: the more time consumers spend on the road, the more likely they are to have the latest media and information technology devices-- MP3 players, DVRs, PDAs, and HDTV," said Carol Edwards, vice president, Out-Of-Home Media Services, Scarborough Research and Arbitron Inc. "

In other words, those who drive drive the rest of us. Unless, of course, you are a Luddite and drive uhm, I dunno, like one of those new Chryslers (pathetic, absolutely pathetic use of mettalurgy.)

"Barkers." This is an old-school term for the girls (and yes, they are girls of a kind) that pimp cars at the Auto Shows. Depending upon your neck of the woods in the automotive world these "car show girls" (I struggle with this lexicon) can be found in all stages of dress and undress.

I was recently, for example, at an event in Florida where I had the chance to audition a number of lovely "Barkers" (look, I picked up a copy of Susan Faludi's Backlash last night and I am writing in fear) for a client.

Because I WAS in Florida, and because IT WAS hot and humid and because I kid you not, the keynote model for the show was currently under contract with a Bob Guccione publication (that's Bob himself, not his son), I felt I had to audition some real talent.

I know what you are thinking--what does this post have to do about cars? Or perhaps, "wait a minute, aren't Auto Shows keynoted by guys named Wally instead of Wanda?"

Well, I admit it. I did not attend a car show.

While I won't reveal the show I attended, I DID use old-fashioned automotive parlance to let my client know the type of talent I was looking for. I simply said I was, "looking for a "Barker" of the type found at car shows" instead of "um, I am thinking about hiring the hottest Brazilian swimwear models in South Florida."

And from automotive realism an adolescent fantasy was fulfilled.