The Rake Magazine

Sometimes a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do. Particularly if that woman entered this world as a man. In the late 70s a certain doctor who was a nationally ranked tennis player changed his sex and continued to compete--as a woman. This raised all kinds of issues related to fair play.

I am not sure what Dr. Renee Richards is doing today or even what that particularly attractive dark haired babe in Pierce Brosnan's second Bond flick is up to. I am also uncertain to this day whether Renee should have kept playing tennis.

Of this, however, I am certain. If a car guy feels the need to drive the following "Chick Cars," a sex change operation may be in order. The University of Minnesota offers the whole package for about 50k. That's a bargain compare to what you might throw at your wheels over a lifetime.

A "chick car" is any car that is self-consciously "cute," generally underpowered and underwhelming. Some cars are undeserving of this moniker--such as the Mini Cooper, but the vast majority do nothing to shake it off--like the Volkswagen Beetle, the Honda Del Sol (the poster child) and on certain occasions the BMW 325 (see previous post). This does include the Mazda Miata just yet (thanks to Mazdaspeed.)

There will always be a place for "chick cars" in the market--as there will always be a place for Dental Hygienists (we are beginning to see more cars in Britain, for example) Floral Designers and Flight Attendants. Such professionals have a right to stylish transportation as just like the rest of us (i.e. any flight attendant could easily teach your average bloated corporation more about the "Customer Experience" than the overpaid AMG-Benz driving consultants such companies hire.)

If you are a dental hygienist, floral designer or flight attendant, I am not suggesting you change your sex. I am simply suggesting that you avoid these cars unless you are deeply, deeply in touch with your feminine side.

So unless I have irretrievably offended you, I suggest you check back here frequently for all kinds of great alternatives to these sissy boxes. If I had more time, I'd get to that list but as it happens I am sitting right now at Hertz who screwed up my car request. You see I requested a Subaru Wagon and they've put me in a Dodge Magnum.

Tennis anyone?

The Peugeot looks good, and boy, will it back up!

As a "Car Guy" ages it becomes important to maintain a certain dose of what Henri Bergsson called "elan vital." This can be translated to mean a spirit for life. I could find a suitable substitute in English but this would betray my continental bias toward culture. Our country is just too young to have perfected the art of enjoying life. The French seem to exhibit a remarkable capacity for doing nothing but.

It is in this spirit, therefore that I wish to offer a Francophilian perspective on what ails my all too many American "Car Guys." For some reason they seem to feel that ecological sensitivty is important when buying an automobile. So they buy hybrids with small engines. The true car guy will always keep a Porsche (or similar subsitute) in the garage to remain both suave and sensible.

It is when his little automotive appliance becomes his sole mode of transport that I begin to feel like merde for mon ami. At this moment in his life, he should be striking back at life instead of settling for the "approximated" driving experience of his Prius.

Now before you get too hot there Iron John, recognize that the Road Rake will never cut anyone down to size simply because they prefer driving a sewing-machine sized (and equivalently powered) car. My vendetta is against all those who fail to test drive a brilliant new alternative called the Lexus GS 450h. From the advertising, "Working seamlessly together, an invigorating V6 gas engine and a dynamic electric motor produce 339 horsepower - equivalent to many V8s."

Better yet, the Lexus GS 450h is available now for 51k (less than a 540) and does 0-60 in 5.2 seconds--right up there with the Porsche in the garage. This Lexus is proof that stereotypes can be shattered in seconds (to borrow again from the ad).

Speaking of stereotypes, I have had quite enough about the French, as well. When I get around to it, I will paste in the ad that inspired this little blog. It was an ad for a brilliantly-styled new Peugeot with the headline "Men are back." While it suffered from the akward translation that French car ads often fall prey to in Italian fashion magazines (I think I saw it in Vogue) it struck me as just right. A French car company, at least, would say something like that and might even deliver on it (they've designed some great cars lately, and they don't care what you think.)

I am sad that I cannot say the same for GM or Ford. Their advertising lacks any form of inspiration (remember any?) Their cars are so bad they put people out of work at alarming rates (sorry to hear about the Ford plant, but what did you expect?) Most of all, they lack vitality.

I hestitate to call these companies "American." The 89-year Carrol Shelby is an American. He has talked about building a 500 plus horsepower hybrid next year. He is a devotee' of Colin Champan, an Englishman, who designed perhaps the seminal small sportscar of his generation, the Lotus Elan. The type of car (in addition to the above Lexus) that could prove vital to both aging car guys and companies alike.

Got it? Good.

Thrust as a concept is covered frequently on the internet. Car guys struggle to define the automotive equivalent—or that sock in the lower back that occurs under hard acceleration.

There are many modern day muscle car that deliver this g-force experience. Yet if it's thrust you seek, it's not how fast you go, but how you go fast. This means, technically speaking, that you are looking for torque instead of raw horsepower.

I won't explain difference between torque and horsepower here. More horsepower almost always means more speed. More horsepower does not directly translate into more thrust, which is why you'll never see "stump pulling" and horsepower appear in the same sentence. For earth-moving pull (with what feels like a push) you need torque.

Thirty years ago, at the height of the first muscle car craze, buying torque was simple. You bought a muscle car and went for the biggest block engine you could find. Monstrous muscle car engines generated maximum torque and for brutal g-forces off the line, there will probably never be nothing like a 454, 455 or 426 Hemi.

But what the heck. These cars and engines had some issues. There were inherently inefficient, not much fun over 4000 RPM, and were fairly nose heavy, which dampens the sensation of speed.

Today, surprisngly, you have more options than you did thirty years ago. Once you are willing to face a few realities, you'll end up with a lot more car than anything you could get back then.

The first reality is that engines today are much smaller. They also tend to be multi-valve, aluminum block overhead cam designs. In most cases, achieving maximum horsepower from these engines requires either supercharging or turbocharging—which both tend to pull rather than push you forward.

The second reality (related closely to the first) is that carmakers no longer build push-rod engines (outside of GM.). For some reason push-rod engines do a better job of generating low-end torque. They are, however, more thirsty and tend to lose power over 4500 RPMs. This is the main reason that carmakers have abandoned them.

(All but GM, that is. And here GM has stuck with two engines that continue to defy the laws of physics, or the 3800 V6 and the 350 V8.)

The third reality is that cars are getting heavier again, due to really egregious electronics. This is especially nasty, but not limited to, German cars. Unlike Mercedes and most Audis though, BMW continues to insist upon normally aspirated engines which delivers a more natural throttle response (i.e. you push down the accelerator and you move).

The final reality is that you may need to wait one more nanosecond off the line today to achieve the g-force acceleration you are looking for unless you want to go straight to the track (which is the subject for another blog). The accelerative rush you get at slightly higher RPMS fortunately can be just as brutal as anything from the 60s—and often more terrifying (German Cars and centrifugal superchargers are especially adept at high-end acceleration).

I have assembled a fairly lengthy list of cars to make the job of spotting the g easy. It is currently passing censorship and being vetted by local car dealers to assure that the cars will be available for you to drive. I have on hand--twenty five cars in three different price ranges.

The good news is that 80 percent are under 35k--well under. Some will even save you gas (comparatively speaking).

Hitting a baseball is one of the most difficult feats in athletics. Engineering a car that is well-engineered at the right price is equally tricky. A lot of things have to come together at the right time and price. That is why getting a car that's one-third right rarely happens.

While rare, the Americans have finally built a mid-sized sedan that gets it at least half right and then some. That car is the Chrysler SRT-8.

From a chassis, engine and design perspective, this car exemplifies a near-perfect raid on the Daimler Chrysler parts and chassis bin. It drives like a Mercedes because it is a Mercedes--from the chassis up. It's fantastic 425 HP Hemi engine can burn rubber in third gear. The styling is sensational and is just too chunky to be transient.

Both cars are worth what you pay for. My advice, with a few caveats, would be to wait until it comes off two-year leases then buy it.

The first caveat is that both cars seem to have inherited the good and the bad traits of modern Mercedes--the first being abysmal quality. A 300 that I recently rented had a stuck parking brake and needed a valve job at 3000 miles.

The second caveat is that the interiors of both cars belong in a Rubbermaid store at the outlet mall. While the basic design is there, the execution is as insulting as anything from GM. You are surrounded by grey rubber and cheap switchgear everywhere you look. While the 300's rubberized plastic is softer to the touch than GM's thin melted cotton-candy quality variety, it envelops you in cheapness. I am willing to trade a certain cheapness for performance; I just don't need to shoved in my face.

Yet, today the styling and driving dynamics of the 300 have been enough to make this car a bonafide hit. Until they fix a few things, however, its only batting around .500.