The Rake Magazine

Haven't had enough of three hour menu presentations by effete servers describing specialties that become more and more intricate as chefs plumb the dark recesses of their creativity?

Visit Chez Louise and refresh the page to get more more more.

Or if you seem to be the only one lacking a good comment at your next wine soiree, go ahead and arm yourself.

Know what sucks? Pink-Eye before Christmas.

Know what rules? A husband who can cook. In my low and itchy state, I couldn't possibly think about cooking for the fam. In a move that always puts me to shame, he pulls whatever he can find from the fridge and makes a meal. He took a Niman Ranch pork roast, unwrapped it and pounded it flat. Then he layered it with sage, chopped green apples and brie cheese, then rolled it back up. He and the daughter threw down some risotto and we had something much better than my suggestion of rice and beans.

But we have 20 coming for Christmas Eve.

Truth be told, I'm not contagious and I'm feeling better, so it shouldn't be too hard. As long as there is Bourbon present, I'll be fine.

The group is interesting, family and friends, a mixed bag of palates, one who has a distinct aversion to cheese. All cheese, sigh. We pondered pork, ham, for a moment there was talk of roast goose and figgie pudding, but nay.

We're going for rich and luxe but comfortable and accessible. Simple elegance, perhaps? It's a surf n' turf story we're telling.

Cocktail Hour
Assorted cheeses, like Sottocenere and Ossau-Iraty

Dinner
Prime Rib Roast
(possibly done encrusted in rock salt)
Halibut
(most likely wrapped in parchment and cooked cartoccio style)
Zucchini with leeks
Mashed potatoes with olive oil and Manchego cheese (shhhh)
Creamy baked polenta
Creamed corn (a special request)
Oven roasted tomaotes with Cabrales cheese
Home baked bread
(ciabatta without fail, maybe we'll attempt some whole grain rolls)

Post Feast
White and dark chocolate bread pudding with bourbon cream (duh)
Grand Marnier and cranberry torte (this one looks yummy to me)

I was not invited to this one...

I have a hard time with the cookie exchange thing. You're famailiar with the premise, no? Each guest is to bring a dozen cookies per attendee, you swap your dozens for the others' dozens and wind up with a fabulous assortment of holiday treats.

At least that's the theory.

Am I a cookie snob? Maybe. Look, I'm all good with peanut butter blossoms, they're not high-brow or gourmet, they're just simple and classic. Clearly it's not about perfection, I dig a headless gingerbread man just as much as a fully intact one.

Part of it, I'll admit, is the idea of coming home with ten dozen cookies over which I had no control. It's hard not knowing the exact ingredient keeping together that odd little green stack of cornflakes and what-have-you. If, when entertaining, I put out a plate of cookies, and someone asks me about a certain chocolate blob, what do I do? We're all taking our lives in our own hands at that point.

Plus, there are no memories behind other people's cookies. Even if my kids and I end up screaming at each other while we decorate cookies, we're going to fondly remember how Joey freaked out because Jake's didn't have enough icing and how Megan put boobs on her gingerbread "person" and we'll all eventually laugh at Matt's frankenstein collection of zombie cookies.

Finally, no one at the exchange usually likes my cookies. That's probably beacuse they don't understand how integral a part Bourbon plays in my holiday traditions.

Bourbon Balls
3 cups ground Nilla Wafers
1 cup finely chopped walnuts
2 cups confectioners sugar
1/4 cup cocoa
1/4 cup corn syrup
1/2+++ cup Bourbon (Jimmy Beam is perfect)

Combine Nillas, walnuts, sugar and cocoa in a large bowl. Mix corn syrup and bourbon together in a separate small bowl, stir until syrup is dissolved. Add to dry mixture and mix until you get a thick, moist clump. Add more bourbon if needed, it's good to keep the bottle close by. And also a glass with some ice and maybe a splash of sweet vermouth. And a touch of bitters. Between your palms, roll chunks of the dough into balls, then roll around in a bowl of granulated sugar (the balls, not you). Store in a tight container, hide somewhere where the kids can't find them, and snack secretly for at least 2 months, it'll help get you through February.

like it even needs embellishment...

I thought I knew what I would make for those little holiday gift bundles of hand-made goodies that simply must be handed out.

But now that I know of the existence of chicken fried bacon, I might have to re-think.

WARNING: Don't be surprised by the dizziness and dull ache in your chest, it's merely a heady mix of temptation and revulsion.

Didja know that Pumphouse Creamery has decided to stay open all year long?

Come on, I know that baby it's cold outside, but what's your deal with not eating ice cream in the winter?

Pumpkin ice cream, oatmeal cookie ice cream, Guiness ice cream, for godness sake, are all appropriate post-feast options.

Plus, HELLO FORTY DEGREES! Give me a break, you know you considered wearing shorts on Sunday so go. Just go.