Primarily Screwed

If astronomers and astrophysicists are correct, we’ve got
another 13-16 billion years until the universe collapses under its own mass and
hubris in a Big Crunch – making it all the more impressive that it has taken just a few short months for Sen. Hillary Clinton’s
world to implode, compacting itself into a fiery mass of universal healthcare and
primary-hued pantsuits. And best of all, emanating from deep within the core of
this soon-to-be black hole from whence no screams or painfully contrived holiday
greeting can escape, is a sound familiar to anyone with an eight year old –
whining.

Yes, even as we eagerly hang on every word about the hard
fought Democratic primaries in Texas, Rhode Island, Vermont and Ohio from MPR
correspondents and CNN pundits, tuning in to Naked
News just in case that austere and respected bastion of quality reporting
may have picked up on a polling nuance that others haven’t, the Clinton camp is
engaging in an entertaining campaign of whining and finger pointing. Top
campaign advisors Mark Penn and Harold Ickes have already started to distance
themselves from what is rapidly starting to appear to be a Dean-esque clusterfuck,
with Penn saying something to the effect of, "I just stopped in to use the
wi-fi and surf porn. They asked me about some campaign messages, but I didn’t
think they’d actually take my advice. Dumbasses."

And at this point, none of this comes as a surprise. The
attitude of the Clinton camp from the launch of the campaign was that of the
anointed standard-bearer of the Democratic party. As a result, the campaign
became that painfully attractive guy/girl who feels like they can just lay
there while we do all the work. What the Clintons didn’t realize was that
liberals across America just wanted to get their freak on, and would happily do
so with an upstart senator from Illinois with a populist message and a knack for oratory that can
moisten progressive panties from sea to shining sea.

But since they were the front-runners for so long, don’t
they have every right to be obnoxiously whiny? Are they not well within their
rights when pointing fingers at the media for being so hard on Sen. Clinton, at
each other for not providing winning strategies for undermining the hope for
change that Obama uses as his rallying cry, and at Sen. Clinton for being the
unappealing, though well-intentioned and profoundly intelligent, battle-axe
we’ve all come to know and love?

The simple answer is yes, they’re free to whine. This is
America after all – a land where freedom reigns supreme, former Mickey Mouse Club members can parlay fame into
failure and Cristina Aguilera
turns out to be the sane one. But if they feel the need to whine, they should
be whining about the right things – such as the fact that the campaign never
recovered from its failures in Iowa, where underfunding and understaffing
doomed Clinton to finishing in third place. Or perhaps they should focus on the
painful truth that Bill Clinton’s hubris lost them several southern states as
he fought a doomed campaign in South Carolina when he could’ve done far more
good elsewhere, failing to make up for the lousy
aim that landed him in only the second presidential impeachment trial in
the history of the United States. Or even worse, that the same political strategists
who raked in $5 million in January alone, $10 million in total, can’t come up
with a better idea to counteract Barack Obama’s surging popularity than the chimpanzee
approach – throw a whole lot of shit at the wall and see what sticks.

Sadly, not much has seemed to as of yet. While Clinton is
reeking of desperation, frustration and, in a futile attempt to appeal more to
females aged 18-34, copious amounts of Axe Body Spray, Obama seems
largely untouched. And despite the stench, Clinton says she’s "…just getting warmed
up." Apparently the old girl needs a lot of foreplay. It’s a good thing Sen. Clinton
is finally ready though, since by the end of today we ought to know if Hillary is as
well and truly boned as the women Bill has been picking up along the campaign
trail.