I Told Myself I Would Quit

Will someone please think of the children?

I keep trying to quit, but it’s an addiction. I know it’s bad for me. It raises my blood pressure, makes me wheeze, and makes my head hurt. It kills brain cells and it’s bad for the people around me.

No, it’s not cigarette smoking. I quit doing that in 1976.

It’s Katherine Kersten. She’s a plague upon anyone who would try to clear the air on almost anything.

Today’s column is a topper, though. The smoking ban that was signed into law yesterday…well, KK’s agin’ it. But not for the sort of reasons you might think. She’s worried that the next thing on the agenda for the American Lung Association is…are you ready for this…steak.

Yes, steak. Because, as anyone knows, steak is bad for you. Like cigarettes, it ruins your circulation and causes an early death in lots of people. However, unlike cigarettes, it only causes an early death among people who actually consume it. Last I looked (and it wasn’t that long ago that I had an absolutely delicious filet at Mancini’s) there were no noxious fumes coming off that perfectly charred and lusciously pink-centered piece of bovine heaven.

There was no threat to my companion, who was having a piece of broiled fish and a salad. Not even my pre-steak gin soaked olive concoction posed any danger to her. (I wasn’t driving.)

But, if Katherine the Great had her way, she would have you defy all logic and FEAR THE GOVERNMENT! Because if they can step in to protect people who are being harmed by the actions of others, who knows, next time they’ll probably step in to protect people who aren’t being harmed by the actions of others. It’s only a short step from banning smoking in public places to banning steaks, pork chops, palm hearts and those damn raspberries whose little seeds get stuck in my teeth.

Damn government. Next thing is they’ll be banning food altogether. I’m writing my legislator right now. This has got to stop.

Ok, you say, I’m not being fair. And you’re probably right. Because KK didn’t stop at steak. Because, she had a column to fill, and we hadn’t got around to family values yet. And, logic dictates that, if you’re going to ban smoking, you should also ban divorce and pornography, because, in the words of that Simpson’s character, “Will someone please think of the children?”

I’m going to start thinking of the children right now. Here’s what I’m thinking: If you don’t care if they rot their lungs, go ahead and smoke around them. If you don’t care if they rot their brains, leave the Strib laying around where they can get their hands on Kersten’s columns.