Conversations Real and Imagined: Coffee House Critics Weigh In

“I don’t quite get it–Apocalypto is about Iraq and George W.? When? Bush is cutting the heads off liberals? The Blue Man group? Jaguar Paw is Barack Obama? The Spaniards are the Islamic terrorists?

“If Gibson weren’t such an unholy square, I’d say he was smoking some pretty serious shit if that’s what you get out of that mess. I mean, holy living shit, you’re really putting a lot of meaning inside a guy getting his head cut off…”

“So I heard that Children of Men is about the future, man, when women can’t have babies, you know, but Clive Owen is this guy who figures out, by getting blitzed on this strawberry ganja, how to get preggers himself. So that’s what the title’s gigging on, you know, men having wombs, men having babies, and the whole freakin’ society goes gay, man. Shit, I don’t know who the hell would wanta see something like that…”

Happy Feet. I’m telling you, what is it with these penguins? They’re ubiquitous. March of the Penguins, Madagascar, now this. And I guess Happy Feet’s as much of a polemic as An Inconvenient Truth. Maybe if Al Gore dressed up like a penguin, he’d be the President!”

“Yeah, I took Mom to see The Nativity Story. Who would have thought the life of Christ could be so boring!”

“That was so awesome! In Casino Royale, Bond plays Texas Hold ’em. I play Texas Hold ‘Em, man! And ‘member, ‘member when we were playing for a case the other night, and I won, man, and the guy betting, what’s his name, didn’t have the case or the money for the case, shit, that was just like that La Chiffon guy from the movie. Awesome! I’m like James Bond, man!”

“Don’t care if it’s the book, that awful old cartoon or this new movie–which isn’t so bad. Charlotte’s Web will make me cry and cry and cry, always and forever. And I’m so glad that there’s something in this life that still moves me enough to cry…”

“Jennifer Hudson deserves an Oscar for Dreamgirls. The girl is fat, and us fat girls need heroes with Oscars. She was beautiful, a beautiful fat girl, and what happens to her is awful, just because she’s fat. So she better win. I think that would be good for fat people.”

“No one understands Almodovar. That’s why his movies never make any money outside of New York. And I have to say that sometimes I see one of his movies when I’m not in Manhattan, and you know what, I really don’t get them. It’s like you gotta be in a big city, with the whores and gays and trannies to understand. This Midwestern city life just isn’t attuned to his stuff.”

Good German. Good Shephard. Having seen both, I’ll tell you that I’m starting to wonder if a movie has the word ‘good’ in the title, it means exactly the opposite…”

Rocky Balboa? Rocky Balboa? You want to have a nice dinner and see Rocky Balboa. Really? You know, maybe it’s time we should have a talk about where this relationship is going…”


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