Merrill Markoe

An old-fashioned version of this whole desert-island charade would have had author, television writer, and occasional standup comic Merrill Markoe bringing along her “collected works of Robert Benchley,” because “his silly rage at minutiae combined with great word usage is both a comfort and a reminder to have perspective.” But nowadays, the people who play our desert-island game usually assume their iBook is a given. So, in that spirit, here’s what Markoe would bring:

1. A DVD with all the contents of the National Library on it.

2. And I’d have access to all the music (via downloads) and literature and news in the world. Making me think: To hell with Benchley. I’m going ahead with the Mac and the library instead. I should add at this point that my boyfriend accuses me of wrecking hypothetical scenarios with my literal-mindedness. He may have a point. I am sick with worry that I will wake up on my first desert-island night and realize I wasted two of my five items on a useless piece of equipment because I can’t recharge the battery or plug the damn thing in. That is why I have no choice but to make item number three …

3. A Costco store. Just one container of Costco seasoned salt can last for up to three generations. My friend Elayne Boosler said that the first time she unpacked her groceries from Costco, she started to cry because it hit her she would never live long enough to use up all that ketchup. Of course, I could get a Costco but what if there is no one paying the bills—will there be no electricity? Or does my Costco arrive complete with employees who come over on their own boat and leave at the end of the day? And do I need to put my Costco card on this list? See. My boyfriend is right. And you know what? The last thing I need in stressful circumstances is for someone to make me feel bad about myself. That is why he will not make this list. But now that I don’t have a boyfriend, and I don’t know if my Costco comes with employees, I am going to need some companionship. So …

4. A pregnant shepherd/lab/border collie mix. Because if I am going to populate the island with dogs (and I can—there’s plenty of dog food at Costco), I don’t want purebreds. I want big happy smart dogs who will continually look at me with those buoyant expressions that indicate they think everything is going not just great, but even better than we expected!

5. One thing I don’t think they have at Costco: A computer animation program that comes with a tutorial. Now I will finally have the time to not only learn computer animation, but I will be able to draw and paint and save my work from the mold and moisture in sea air and the fading of that cruel desert-island sun.