Month: November 2005

  • We're winning the war, really

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    It says here that everything is fine and dandy

    Not content to spread their bullshit just to Americans, the Bushies now are planting stories in the Iraqi press about how well it’s going over there.

    Unfortunately for the administration, the LA Times isn’t for sale…at least not for the pittance the military was paying to place articles in the Iraqi newspapers, and so now you can bet Al Jazeera and other legitimate Arab news sources will achieve even more credibility for their stance on American involvement in Iraq while the press that might actually support us there will lose all legitimacy with their intended audience.

    Duh.

    Unfortunately, though, it’s business as usual for an administration who was caught several times planting stories in American media and still thought they could get away with it over there. Do they honestly think we’re that stupid?

    Don’t answer that.

  • As I Was Saying…

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    I’m not going to lie to you: I lie to you all the time. Seriously, all the time. There’s absolutely no me here. Whoever or whatever Brad Zellar is, it isn’t this.

    I have never, for instance, owned either a Plymouth Duster or a Scamp, let alone done any of the things I might have claimed to have done in the backseat of such a vehicle. I never attempted to roller-skate to Duluth with a giant cross strapped to my back. The things I claimed to have done with Boxcar Willie would almost certainly qualify as libel (not to mention obscenity) under virtually any strict interpretation of the law.

    This is not my life. Honest to God, you can’t even begin to imagine, and neither can I.

    You know how really lonely people will buy those shrink-wrapped picture frames that have the idyllic demonstration photos of beautiful men, women, and children already in them and then they’ll just hang those complete strangers up on their walls because they don’t have anybody in their own life who’s nearly as happy or beautiful as these pretend family members and friends?

    I don’t know; maybe it’s just me, but I have these photos all over my house, and it’s somehow comforting to me. I’ve given the smiling people in these pictures names and histories, of course, and it’s gotten to the point where I can sometimes actually convince myself of their reality. This is my family, I’ll think to myself. This is my life. I’ve done pretty damn well for myself.

    Seriously: I don’t think there’s a phrase in the world I love more than make believe.

    That said, I’d like to be honest with you for a moment. I want to be clear on this: I prefer a lot of things to a lot of other things; a lot of things that are not right here and right now to a lot of other things that are, unfortunately, right here and right now. Just so you know.

    I suppose this is just a phase, or maybe it’s the time of year, but I spent the last several days trapped in ice, flat on my back and bloated, staring up through the gray crust at the bright and blurry world above, where I saw greasy splashes of color that I supposed might have been balloons. Volkswagens seemed less probable, as I had no idea how they would have gotten into the sky above the river. The muffled and badly fractured sound I heard could have been the plaints of lonesome dogs, church bells, cries for help, or something else altogether. I didn’t know and frankly didn’t much care.

    Somewhere close by, I knew, my old heart was lying in a dark field in a patch of purple velvet, listening with longing to the sound of geese winging their way free of here.

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  • Need For Speed — Original Version

    Last week, as if you didn’t notice, the new Microsoft X-Box 360 went on sale, and serious gamers waited up until midnight for the chance to buy it. Of course, for the serious teenaged gamer who rolls out of bed at about lunchtime, midnight is the equivalent of high noon. I was not among them.

    I haven’t played video games for a few years, but I’m aware of the fact that the video game industry recently surpassed the movie industry in size and revenue. The comparison is interesting. A typical video game today is a massive production, from the actual coding to the marketing and packaging. It’s a lot like an interactive movie where you get to play a part in the plot. And with today’s networked gaming consoles, you might be one of dozens of players in the same game competing over the internet.

    About five years ago, I played a handful of video games as part of a reporting assignment. It didn’t seem right to write about a game like Tomb Raider or Abe’s Exodus without finishing the game, just like you’d never write a book review or a movie review without getting to the last sentence. The thing about a video game, though, is that in order to finish, you pretty much have to become an expert. Deadlines loomed, I cheated as much as I could–but still, I was weeks away from reaching the end of these special role-playing games with multiple levels.

    And that’s when I realized precisely what a time-sink a video game can become. That’s not necessarily bad. There are lots of things I do for recreation that take up ten or twelve hours a week–fishing, sailing, cycling, and cross-country skiing all come to mind. But the other thing I try to do with my leisure time is read–novels, non-fiction, poetry, newspapers, magazines, whatever. And the time commitment to finishing a video game felt to me about the same as finishing a long novel, or maybe a good trilogy by Robertson Davies or Cormac McCarthy. I’m not sure how long it would take me to finish re-reading Tolkein’s Lord of the Rings, but I’m sure a video game verison would take about as long–whereas the movie, even though it was a mind-numbing three hours long, only took most of a Friday night.

    If you get to the end of a modern multi-level video game, you’ll frequently be treated to a credit reel–just like the end of a movie. And like most movies, a modern video game has dozens, sometimes hundreds of crew members. I certainly respect what they do, and I can see why a new game costs around thirty dollars–the cost of a hardcover book.

    Last year, the cultural critic Steven Johnson wrote a book called “Everything Bad Is Good For You: How Today’s Popular Culture Is Actually Making Us Smarter.” He argued that things like video games and modern television shows teach children important associative skills, hand-eye coordination, that kind of thing. I can understand his argument, and I sympathize with his urge to fight back against the sort of people who reflexively whine about the bad influence of modern media. The only thing worse than whining children is whining, moralizing adults.

    I don’t expect to run out to buy an Xbox 360, or a new Sony Playstation, or whatever Nintendo is now making. And the PC on which I used to play NHL Hockey and FSIA soccer gave up the ghost earlier this year. There are only eighteen hours in the day (I’ve started subtracting shut-eye, as it’s become non-fungible.) I know there are probably some amazing games available now, but I’m getting nervous–nervous that I’ll never get around to reading the novels of John Dos Passos, or Theodore Dreisser, or Sherwood Anderson, or dozens of others I may never get to. Somehow, I suspect all those great novelists of the 20th century will have a longer shelf-life than “Resident Evil,” or “Mortal Combat” or even the highly tempting “Need For Speed”–and that’s reason enough not to spend $400 on the new XBox.

  • Beneath The Ice

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    Tumult, by God.

    I saw a burning angel,

    vogueing in the corn.

    Somewhere’s the key that fits.

    Something vague creaks and whispers

    in the night beneath the ice under which

    also a river shambles still. I wait for the day

    when these murmurs come to stay.

    The whole family was crazy as shithouse rats.

    They said this one was somehow blessed,

    this one was to be spared. Half of what

    the world speaks cannot be verified.

    It could be more than that.

    How would I possibly know?

    Something that did not die with the others

    creeps in those empty places out back.

    We have long been told there are old bones

    huddled in the earth beneath the trees.

    I can hear them shivering beyond the gauze of

    winter crouched on the yard, just within

    the silence that captures and carries

    whatever sound dares trespass.

    I can hear the sigh of ice

    settling on the river.

    The others are there, beneath

    the ice, treading like

    fish in inflated finery.

    Impatient, and growing more

    impatient by the day.

    They are waiting.

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    When his boat was snapped loose

    from its mooring, under

    the screaking of gulls,

    he tried at first to wave

    to his dear ones on the shore,

    but in the rolling fog

    they had already lost their faces.

    Too tired to even choose

    between jumping and calling,

    somehow he felt absolved and free

    of his burdens, those mottoes

    stamped on his name-tag:

    conscience, ambition, and all

    that caring.

    He was content to lie down

    with the family ghosts

    in the slop of his cradle,

    buffeted by the storm,

    endlessly drifting.

    Peace! Peace!

    To be rocked by the infinite!

    As if it didn’t matter

    which way was home;

    as if he didn’t know

    he loved the earth so much

    he wanted to stay forever.


    Stanley Kunitz, “The Long Boat”

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  • Time Was: Recriminations

    Right here where we’re standing used to be a proper god-damned street before those sons of bitches down in the state capital decided to run the interstate highway through the godforsaken middle of nowhere forty miles south of here.

    Used to be if you wanted to drive across the country up this way you had to go right through town, straight down this very street. Cars and trucks were rolling through here all day and all night, and up and down the entire length of the town there were thriving businesses. Time was this town had one of the biggest grocery stores in the northeast corner of the state. We had grain elevators at both ends of town, a nice old movie theater, and passenger train service to the east, west, and south.

    We lost the damn railroad even before the interstate came along and put the final bullet in our heads.

    This here is the godforsaken middle of nowhere now. They killed off all the little towns around us first, and when all those people who used to come in from all over to do their shopping pulled up stakes we didn’t have a prayer or a pot to piss in. We absolutely did not have a fucking prayer. Once they opened the interstate to traffic the high school didn’t last five years.

    Now? Well, shit, you can see for yourself what’s left of the place. We’re just another scrubbed-out third world village in what used to be America.

    You know anybody who wants to buy a sorry-ass little town?

    (Laughs)

    Hey, you have a happy Thanksgiving. When you close your eyes and fold your hands be sure to tell God you’re thankful you don’t live here.

     

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  • Ruckert's Days As A Flotation Device

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    Ruckert told the doctor that he felt as if he had been thrown from a boat.

    The doctor asked if he thought he had the strength to swim.

    “Strength is not an issue,” Ruckert said. “It’s a matter of desire. Where would I swim to? I can see no land in any direction.”

    Did he feel, then, as if he were treading water or drowning? the doctor inquired.

    “No,” Ruckert said, and felt certain he was being truthful. “I feel as if I am floating. Despite the muddle I have been describing, I continue to sense that I am being borne by blessings and the most buoyant of mercies, and I believe for some unknown reason that I will eventually be carried to where I belong.”

    The doctor wondered if Ruckert didn’t perhaps feel some greater sense of personal responsibility for his fate, or at the very least recognize that some effort or work was called for.

    “Do you not realize,” Ruckert said, “what difficult work it is to float, and how taxing is the maintenance of even so simple and clumsy a faith?”

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  • Our health care is killing us

    I read a book by Twin Cities author Vince Flynn over the weekend called Term Limits. The book starts with the assassinations of four venal members of Congress. That didn’t surprise me so much as the reported sentiments of many of the characters of the book that killing four was a good start. I found it abhorrent, of course, that this would be acceptable, even in fiction.

    But, the more I thought of Tom Delay, Bill Frist, and hell, even Jim Oberstar’s packing of the pork barrel, I began to wonder less about the motivations of the fictional assassins and turned my attention to thinking how it is that we continue to elect these sorts of people who are not at all serious about the problems facing our country. It’s completely about how much pork can I bring home, and how much money can I raise to run re-election ads telling the people how scared they ought to be about the gay married terrorists.

    Forget global warming for a minute, the war were fighting in Iraq instead of against Al Qaida, the disaster in New Orleans, the Plame affair, and look at what’s happening here that government has the absolute power to fix.

    Northwest Airlines is in bankruptcy. General Motors is headed there. Wal-Mart is reviled even more than it deserves (and that’s a lot) when its measures to control its health care costs leak out.

    Clearly NWA and GM have been mismanaged for a long time. (A Japanese friend told me a long time ago the difference between GM and Toyota is that GM recruits the best MBAs and Toyota recruits the best engineers.) But the thing NWA, GM and Wal-Mart have in common is their increasing cost of providing health insurance for their workers–a cost that in every other industrialized nation falls on the government.

    Any first year college economics student can easily pin point what’s wrong with the American system of leaving health care in private hands. The health care companies spend huge amounts of money disqualifiying people from benefits. As I’m sure billionaire Bill McGuire of United Health Care can tell you, he didn’t get that way by taking care of sick people. In his defense, what business in its right mind would want to insure sick people? They just get sick, and that means you have to pay out instead of just collect premiums.

    Sure, you end up insuring some sick people when you insure the big groups, like Wal-Mart, GM and NWA, but you can raise premiums at will to take care of it. Actually insuring a big group is a much better deal, because the law of big numbers assure that you can always make a profit because you can calculate with astonishing accuracy what your odds are and set the prices accordingly. These guys are way better at that than Vegas.

    Of course, that leaves the working poor who don’t have benefits, the people who lose their jobs because they get sick, the old who don’t have jobs–in other words, all the people who are at risk for being sick–in the hands of the government. And that government doesn’t have anything effective in place to actually provide any preventative care. The sick just fall onto Medicaid and Medicare, which pays a fixed rate for services below market rate. And so the true costs just get shifted back to those who can pay, in the form of higher premiums.

    So, the poor get screwed. The middle class who pays for at least a portion of their own benefits get screwed…and hell, even the rich get screwed. Everybody gets screwed except Congress, which provides itself lifetime extensive benefits while they screw the rest of us.

    Maybe all those big corporation presidents who are seeing their own companies and workers sacrificed to the lobbyists will come to their senses one of these days and start putting some of their own health care dollars into lobbying Congress to straighten out this mess.

    I hope it doesn’t come to Vince Flynn’s proposed solution before then. But I won’t hold my breath. I’ll leave that to Flynn’s snipers.

  • The UN and France are coming for your internet

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    “Of course I’m running for President. I had my teeth fixed didn’t I?”

    The story in the Strib stopped short of explaining what exactly it was that the darn UN was trying to do when Coleman accused it of trying to take control of the internet. I’m sure it was an insidious attempt by the UN, as proxies for dictatorships who want to control the information their citizens have access to, to somehow have some say in what goes round the world in the form of the blogs, like this one, that are often so full of crap.

    But, as anyone who knows anything knows, that genie has been out of the bottle for a long time. The info is out there, and anyone with a computer and a modem can figure out a way to get to it. The only recourse for repressive governments is to monitor what it is that people are looking at, and, if the government doesn’t like it, throw you in jail.

    But, Annan has Coleman pegged perfectly. It’s all politics, and Coleman has again set up the UN as a straw man he can knock over. As Annan said, “this dog of an argument won’t bark.”

    But is Norm content with that? Would he, having been slapped by a rolled up newspaper, slink away like he should? No way.

    He piles on like this: “The challenge of what is being advocated by some threatens the free flow of information,” Coleman told a forum Thursday at the Heritage Foundation on Capitol Hill. “Do you want to be on the side of Zimbabwe, China, Iran? And I’ll throw France in there. Or do you want to be on our side? That’s an easy question.”

    I bet that got a big round of applause from the open minded storm troopers at the Heritage Foundation.

    Once when asked what she thought of a particularly xenophobic pronouncement from Pat Buchanan, Molly Ivins replied, “I preferred it in the original German.”

    You’re the one who brought up Munich, Norm. You should be careful about the internet. When it’s out there for all to see how baldly ambitious you are, you might want to just keep smiling and shut up.

  • Meeting Mr. Mercy

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    For several months I had been staring at the words written in a square on the otherwise blank calendar on my kitchen wall: Meeting Mr. Mercy.

    I had scheduled this meeting back in the late spring, and only after a series of mysterious phone calls and false starts. Most of the phone calls would come late at night, from an area code and a phone number that I was later able to trace to a Wal-Mart calling card and a computerized phone bank in Atlanta.

    The voice on the other end of the line was always the same, and seemed to belong to an older woman; if I had to guess at an approximate age I suppose I would have said mid- to late-fifties. There was something I wanted to describe as tremulous in the voice, despite which I would characterize it as nothing if not business-like.

    Mr. Mercy, I was told, would see me at his convenience, yet his convenience was a complicated business, as one might well imagine. There were a great many demands on his time, and he did a good deal of traveling in his line of work. He would, the woman assured me, do whatever he could to make our meeting as logistically convenient for me as possible, but I was also warned that I should be prepared to travel.

    I was, of course, fully prepared to travel, anxious as I had long been for a meeting with Mr. Mercy. This was good, the woman said; flexibility on my part would ensure that the meeting went as smoothly as possible, and even so there was always the chance of some unforeseen complication at the last minute.

    And so it was that I eventually found myself stepping from a Greyhound bus on a bitter and unseasonably cold night in late autumn. I had traveled for more than twenty-four hours to the modest town in Pennsylvania where I was to meet Mr. Mercy.

    It had taken me, as I said, many months of rather complicated wrangling to arrange this meeting, and I had made the trip at considerable expense and inconvenience to my personal and professional life. I had heard things, certainly, rumors that had over time almost assumed the proportions of myth, yet I still had no real idea what to expect from my visit. I had been explicitly informed that so far as the intercession of Mr. Mercy was concerned there were absolutely no guarantees. It was entirely possible, his intermediary had told me during our last telephone conversation, that even having made the long trek to Pennsylvania I might still be denied an audience with Mr. Mercy. He might well be indisposed, or otherwise occupied with business of far greater import than what the voice on the other end of the line had called my own “rather insignificant concerns.” He could also, I was led to understand, be called away on a moment’s notice. Mr. Mercy did a great deal of urgent traveling and –I was once again reminded– he was a busy man and mine was “a minor case.”

    Even now I am not entirely sure what I was expecting from Mr. Mercy, but I can tell you that I wasn’t expecting him to be either so corpulent or so ornery. Perhaps I simply encountered him at a particularly harried time. The holidays were looming, and I had to imagine that the man was under a great deal of pressure at that time of the year.

    I had walked from the bus station to the agreed upon assignation, an old-fashioned dining car perched at the edge of the moldering downtown. I don’t suppose the town itself –the identity of which I was sworn not to disclose– had more than 10,000 residents, and I’d never heard of the place.

    An additional condition of the meeting stipulated that Mr. Mercy would only consent to an audience between the hours of one and four a.m. Supplications, his assistant had told me, tended to be clearer and despair most concentrated during those early hours of the morning, and Mr. Mercy was “something of a night owl.” Surely, I was asked, I had heard of the “dark night of the soul”?

    I found the diner virtually abandoned. There was a clearly inebriated and bickering younger couple at the counter, and the rotund man I rightfully surmised to be Mr. Mercy was seated alone in a booth at the back, where he was hunched intently over a plate of meat loaf and mashed potatoes, as well as a basket of French fries almost completely obscured under a liberal application of catsup.

    “Mr. Mercy?” I asked tentatively as I stood before him. He presented an imposing and rather unattractive spectacle, crowded as he was into the booth, his girth straining against the tabletop.

    He gestured with his fork without looking up. “Sit down,” he said, “and state your business.”

    There was a brief and awkward moment of silence while I tried to compose myself and find the words I had been rehearsing in my head for many months.

    “You’ll understand, I know, that I am a busy man,” Mr. Mercy said. “I must also warn you that I am seldom in the mood for small talk. Please state quickly and clearly the nature of the mercy you seek.”

    I was exhausted from the long bus trip and rubbed my temples with my hands. When I looked up I found Mr. Mercy glowering at me across the table.

    “Please, sir,” he said. “I am warning you. You have had, I should think, more than sufficient time to prepare for this meeting. I have limited time and patience for cat-and-mouse games, and I am not a mind reader.”

    I looked into Mr. Mercy’s florid face. A napkin was tucked into the collar of his shirt, despite which gravy glistened in the deep creases of his jowls and there were beads of perspiration on his forehead. In contemplating this unappetizing spectacle I found my resolve.

    “I have come, Mr. Mercy, to ask you to leave your wife,” I said.

    The man looked as if he had been struck. He stared at me incredulously, his knife and fork poised in mid-air.

    “You cannot be serious,” he eventually said. “What could you possibly know of the woman in question or of our great happiness together?”

    “I have known your wife for a very long time,” I told him. “We lived together in a forest long, long ago. You will almost certainly make her life very miserable.”

    “This is preposterous,” Mr. Mercy said. “And nothing could be further from the truth. Did you convey this information to my assistant? I am certain you did not, or this meeting would never have taken place. Let me assure you that my lovely wife is the apple of my eye and a constant source of pleasure. She is, I feel certain, the reward I have been given for my years of selfless service to humanity.”

    “You cannot make her happy,” I said. “She deserves better.”

    Mr. Mercy jabbed at me across the table with his knife.

    Deserves better? Deserves better than Mr. Mercy?” he said. “You, sir, are an impudent scoundrel! And I demand that you take your leave at once. Are you forgetting whom you are addressing? If I cannot give that divine woman the happiness she deserves then there is not a man alive who can. How dare you confront me with this nonsense!”

    With great effort Mr. Mercy had risen halfway to his feet and was lunging at me with his butter knife. In a spasm of rage he hurled the remainder of his meatloaf dinner and struck me square in the chest. Several large and clearly menacing characters had materialized at our table and I was wrestled from the booth, dragged to the doorway, and flung out into the cold morning.

    When I finally managed to regain my feet and dust myself off I pressed my face to the glass of the doorway and was unsurprised to discover that no one remained in the diner but the oblivious and bickering couple at the counter.

    The booth in the back was now entirely empty. The table, in fact, had already been cleared, and there was no evidence whatsoever that Mr. Mercy had ever been there at all.

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  • The Malliest Mall Of Them All

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    First I worked in this place in the Food Court that sold French fries and pretzels, for this Vietnamese guy who called himself Jose. Then I moved down another floor and worked at this place that sold nothing but total shit –no vision, none whatsoever: Rattling plastic frogs that croaked and paddled about in a tank of water, incense, big, hideous rugs with pictures of polar bears and lions and Bob Marley, and lousy Green Bay Packers stuff. Then it was on to a shell place where honest to God I once worked an eight-hour shift and never had one person set foot in the door, not even any of the Japanese or the old people from South Dakota. All day long I had to listen to CDs that had like harps and the sounds of waves and some other irritating noise that I think was supposed to be the shrieking of whales but that mostly sounded like seals being clubbed to death. That got fucking old in a hurry so I got a job at a place that sold nothing but lava lamps and Star Wars shit and Bill Clinton masks. Then there was a candle place that reeked so bad that my allergies acted up and I couldn’t get through the day without guzzling an entire bottle of Nyquil and sneaking one-hitters in the bathroom.

    I did have some standards, I guess. I never sold shoes or worked at the NASCAR place.

    I eventually ended up in a cheesy little religious kiosk where I sat there on a stool and did wordsearch puzzles and read Heavy Metal magazines while the Jesus plaques, crosses, and Bible verse bookmarks gathered dust.

    That was pretty much it for me and retail. I’m a graphic designer now.

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